cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

I can see the age on my face. Growing up and growing into. I’ll be 27 very soon. I don’t wish to be younger anymore. Before too long I will hopefully be pregnant again and life will shift and settle like it always does. I’ve released so much neuroticism lately. I don’t care if my eyeliner is uneven or if the dishes take an extra day. I am growing into myself. I am growing out of myself too. It’s perpetual. Bliss isn’t happiness and it took me a long time to realize that. I realize something new every day. I don’t waste time, I spend time. I could use a good trip, but alas. In 10 months no one has babysat Hedy. We don’t get help. None of us get everything but we all get something. Loren is a wonderful father. Better than my wildest dreams. We share a 3
Room apartment and we are all always on top of one another. It’s taught us a lot about ourselves. But I am ready to move on. You hear that? We’re ready. But I’ve outgrown my need to rush. In due time. Our dues, in time. There is an excitement in the air. Times are changing. I wonder when we lost the rebelliousness of youth and became part of the establishment. Mindlessness is close enough to death. I feel alive. I feel alone. I feel it all. No friends upon which to rest my head or my fears or my hopes and dreams. No girls to laugh with. Just us, like always. I don’t have any answers and I don’t have any questions. Eager observer. Unhinged realization.

I just want my jars to come in the mail so I can get to work on the next 100 candles.

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