cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

A second coat and I am the proud ‘owner’ of a dark brown kitchen. I keep forgetting, only to remember when I catch the differed lighting coming from the room. I am on a roll now. My session with my sister was just what I needed.

Over a month ago I was at my recently deceased grandmothers houSe taking care of my pap. (These grandparents are from my older sister’s mother, Loretta.) Loretta is a drunk who recently threatened to throw my pap in a home along with a bunch of other chaos- which is what led to my taking care of him. After a 4-day rehab stay, she returned and my pap welcomed her. My presence was needed less and less, but I was still asked to come over (it costs me $30 per trip, 2 trips per visit because of the methadone clinic-$60, and then 4x a week on top of that)-which seemed inconsiderate but I have a hard time saying no to my family. I was overextending myself and my wallet and for what? During a visit I was meditating, and this very distinct visual appeared. It looked like an infinity symbol and it moved to wrap itself around my eyes. Later that day I had a break down.

My disposition only worstened over the month+. I was a nervous wreck, entirely unmotivated, and discouraged. I forced myself to meditate and practice yoga. I tried to do self love spells but the candles extinguished immediately.

a failed self love spell

I would say ‘stuck’ but I felt worse and worse. The last two weeks I spent sleeping. Throwing up. And sleeping more. I would jolt awake at 4 am each day overwhelmingly sad and disinterested in anything the world had to offer.

I had asked my sister for a session 2 weeks ago, but wasn’t pushy. That’s her livelihood, and it’s disrespedtful to demand the services of someone on your time and for free. She was more than willing, but I didn’t push it- even tho I knew how much I needed it.

I finally had my session yesterday.
Something about the dark mother.
She noticed the eye covering and helped to remove it. I felt it being lifted.

This cruel darkness seeps. It seeps in thru your compassion. By sacrificing my well being to listen to the ‘troubles’ of Loretta, I let the dark mother in. I let my focus slip. While it is noble and necessary to be compassionate, it is never your job to learn a lesson for somebody else. When someone is content in their misery, they live in their misery, and they make no effort to elevate their perspective- there is nothing you can do FOR them. By giving them your attention and time and focus and compassion and love and empathy they use it as fuel. They suck the life from your body. They relish victimhood. You can never save someone who feels at home in the debris. You only hurt yourself.

My car broke down just enough to where I was unable to drive to his house. My guides were protecting me when I could not do it for myself.

So Danielle helped to clear my field. I was unable to even see what was going on. I would close and cover my eyes, prepare to do Work, and see nothing. Nothing. As if I were ethereally blind folded. Which I was.

My motivation is back and still coming. I feel as if a cement block has been chiseled from my whole body. Free and able. I am still recalibrating, but fuck. I’m back.

My first and most important duty is to make sure I’m well.
Tags: homely

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    turn around let's turn on each other good idea break a promise to your mother

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    so we're just gonna keep waking up earlier and earlier then?

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