February 22nd, 2019

(no subject)

a change of plans
a choice
Anesthesia.





I’ve been documenting my sad times too, they’re just as worthy, they’re worth rememberance

the year is........

A garden one could get lost in, trails leading to divided plots. Those that bloom with the moon, murderous plants, categorized by color and effect. Somewhere to sit. Morning meditations and midnight strolls.

Stained mahogany doors, dark brown paint, white accents.
I make pillows to throw in each corner in the case of brief contemplation. Bookshelves line the walls- our children’s favorites on the bottom shelves. Velvet sofas, velvet curtains. Depression glass reflects the afternoon sun, casting rainbows around the kitchen. Fresh fruit and vegetables within reach always.


Dim lighting in our bedroom in the evening. A bed big enough for all of us. Even bigger love. I light candles for ritual and just because.


You cook for our friends often and we have so much to say. Dinner is a religious holiday.


Every surface contains the cryptic energy of an altar, everything is magick, everything is sacred. We decide what life we live and we honor it with every breath.


Now what about the bathrooms?

reminding to remember

Delve into the depths of your soul

Dive into your divinity

Hold your head high, keep your royal blood in mind. You are the Queen. You are the King.

You are blessed.


When life becomes too much, you simply aren’t doing enough—-
enough of what you love.

I have to remind myself of this often. When the waves of overwhelming complacency wash upon my shores I do not jump in. Not anymore. Waking up is a blessing, breathing is a blessing, food is a blessing, the sun and dirt and wind and trees- they bless us constantly.

I am not entitled, I am entranced.

Life is waiting for you to make the first move, mirror her patience. Make the move. Mean it.

Movement.

(no subject)

I see clearly now.

You are here to show me where the density has settled in my soul

To show me where to explore and when to be gentle

Any fury I feel towards you
Is personal
Is mine
Is calling for me to address my inner wounds
My inner world


I refuse to give away my power
I refuse to waste away

My problem with you is my problem with me.
My problem with you is my problem with me.
My problem with you is my problem with me.
My problem with you is my problem with me.


If he can sit in enjoyment in the same place I sit with disdain, does looking outward solve anything at all?
No.

If I have anything to be happy for I have no reason to succumb to the sadness.

Entitlement is ugly, doubt is dangerous and I am moving further and further from ‘em.

Closer and closer
And closer
To me

to feel

As awakened souls, it is our duty to FEEL.

To feel and not fear the feeling.
To remove any shame we associate with the feeling.
To let it be pure,
To let it be,
And then let it go.


Your emotions are not yours alone
(even when it feels so)

Transmutation is the gift.

Let go of your strangle-hold on sadness and disappointment
Let go so they may serve their purpose
Let go to set yourself free.


Your emotions are not your identity
Your feelings are not who you are.

You will never learn from them if you become them.

Let it, let go, let in

overstanding > overstepping

there are worse things than being disliked

embodiment of self-truths is necessary


When I was 8 years old I came down with a terrible flu. My fever was between 105 and 106 (my body runs hot and always has), I was miserable. This experience brought me my first fever dream, a visual that has stuck with me for all this time.
It was from the perspective of behind a bicycle- one that was in motion but without a rider. It would tilt from one side to the other, and when it lined up perfectly to where the bike was perpendicular to the road (as bikes are to be ridden) I felt this peace. Like it was fitting into an invisible groove, just where it was meant to be.


This reminds me of a very particular feeling I experience now. The feeling of being in perfect alignment with whatever the force is that drives me. A perfect balance, a belonging.
When you’re just IN IT, creating your surroundings and working with the universe.

It is the point of power.
The point where everything and you intercects.

That is where you’ll find the magic
Every
Time

(no subject)

With the unexpected ‘illness’ I’ve been enduring the last few weeks, some daily to-do’s got pushed back. We’ve been playing catch up and it’s fine.
I have 4 baskets of laundry to do today. I’m excited for the feeling that comes once that’s all done. We’d been doing so well at being adults that this minor fluke is okay.
Loren is giving me a dread lock today- at the base of my hair line, near my neck and off to the left. I wanna dye my hair but I’ve been leaving it alone to heal so we shall see.

I need a change and I need to figure out where to fit it in.
I’m off work tomorrow, so I plan on painting my bathroom and kitchen a beautiful dark brown. We have left over flooring to use as well- black and white stripes for the pattern. I wanna throw away all of my things but I don’t truly. I just want more space.


Finding comfort in my wants because they promote progress
Finding comfort in myself and my abilities.


Why is it so hard to compliment ourselves?