March 7th, 2019

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I’ve never painted a room white before. It’s so much more work than i had anticipated but it’s also very rewarding so hey. I’ve gotten ~half of my bedroom done, but I started with the more difficult half. I’m rearranging everything as well, cleaning under. I want to leave no belonging untouched. I’m getting rid of a lot of things and it feels great and lighter.

My car broke down yet again. Loren had work at 6 am, and normally I go with him to drop him off. This morning I didn’t, knowing I wouldn’t need the car. *lucky for me.* He broke down at the gas station on his way to work. Sooo that’s something to deal with, but that’s life.

I just need to finish painting today. I’m borrowing my sister’s Car to drive to the methadone clinic. Maybe I’ll stop for a coffee, maybe I won’t. It’s been cold this week, 9 degrees in the morning, 18 in the sunshine, feels like -1. But it’s March and spring is on its way. I can taste it and hear it and see it and feel it.

I yam alive

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I am torn
I am torn!
I am torn!!

I have never known how it really feels before this, to be torn. I want both. I want neither. I want you now and later. And I don’t get to have it both ways.