July 31st, 2019

(no subject)

I bought Loren a gold necklace. He’s been wearing a necklace that my mom got him 2 years ago. It says “solid gold” but the gold plating has worn off, leaving it a tarnished silver. The irony is comedic.
I bought it to match one of my necklaces. Since I’ve started budgeting, I’ll buy the charms for us later as a reward.

I love to treat him.
I love to treat him well.

To say that I’m the perfect or even a great wife is an overstatement some days (maybe most days. I am learning how to love the right way.) But I do try. And he knows what and who he signed up for.

We always make it work. We usually make it work better than before.

It breaks my heart when I drop him off at work every day. 6 am- 2pm Thursday thru Monday. I don’t have to go to work anymore. (I work mondays but it hardly counts and it’s only for a little longer.) I get to work from home. The only part that hurts me is that he doesn’t. Clocking in for a third of your life is soul crushing and I don’t want him to be crushed.
But we have a plan in order so it shouldn’t be long.
(He never complains about needing to provide for us. I can’t imagine.)
Soon he’ll be running the restaurants with no fixed schedule. Nowhere he has to be for 8 hours a day. He will have responsibilities and he’ll have to work but in a much more liberating sense.
He’ll make more money and have more time to himself. He’ll be respected and he will have authority.
I can’t wait to see how this changes him.

But even then, it isn’t enough.
I want him to do what he loves.
What he loves.
He loves his bonsai trees and art and craft.
I get to do what I love. It’s hard to celebrate freeing myself from something he has to do every day.
It’s bitter sweet.
It’s a work in progress.

Someday soon, my love, we will wake up with the baby and have our days belong completely to us.

I want to give him the world but that isn’t my place.
It isn’t my place to rob him of this feeling of accomplishment.

I wish I could do it all.

But until then, a gold necklace to show him my gratitude will have to do.

Oh, Loren. Thank you for being you.
Looking back on all that we’ve been through, together or not, can you believe where we are now? Here now? Being here now?
Infidelity seems petty and irrelevant. I can’t imagine wanting someone else to touch my body (only to leave me unfulfilled because they aren’t you.)
You know every touch, space, inch, hair of my body. You know mostly every crevice of my soul.
Somehow you still mesmerize me. Somehow you’re still a mystery.

How intriguing, how enticing.
Forever isn’t long enough.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve fallen in love with you.
Of all the people places and things we’ve been, being yours is my favorite.

(no subject)

You get what you accept, not what you deserve.

Stern boundaries are crucial in this day.

Release the fear. Trust yourself. Know what you need and demand it.

Never be afraid to walk away.

open and possibly

My home will be loving and warm.

Your father and I will always kiss and hold each other close and have our space and embrace each other often.

We will teach you what love means and what you deserve.
We will teach you by example.

Our days will be filled with creation and comfort, meditation and self care, kisses and nudity, honesty and truth and boundaries and limits and freedom.

We cook the dog(s) and cats breakfast every morning as we prepare our own.

We will fill your mind with beauty and curiosity. Less television, more books. Less screens, more mess.

Picnics and camping. Car rides to nowhere. Grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. The importance of the family bond.

Our home is clean but welcoming. Loved and lived in, but with order and purpose.

You can tell me everything even though you won’t. I respect your autonomy and the place it begins and ends. I will never be your best friend. We provide the foundation and the structure and we provide for you so that you may be whole on your own.

Spells and rituals are part of our world. Magic will be no mystery for you. I can feel your energy already. Pure power. Like a second language, mysticism will be second nature. You will know god.

(Upon dropping me off at school my parents would say “do something nice for someone today” and I would roll my eyes and do something nice because I knew that upon leaving school I’d be asked what it was that I did for somebody. I will pass this on, it changed me in ways I couldn’t have understood.)

You will understand respect.
You will understand your power.

You’re already so lucky. About half as lucky as your dad and I.

Knowing you completes me.
The mystery of you blows my mind.

You are potential in its purest form and I am just glad to be yours.

You will always know that love exists. You will see it every day in your own parents.

(no subject)

the filling of days

*remodeling the shop
*not being on IG
*78 Degrees of Wisdom
*dog walks
*journaling together
*getting stoned off of one hit
*holding hands
*making money
*partner meditation
*water, lots of water
*skin care
*hair masks
*remodeling our apartment
*big love
*watching my belly grow and move