August 17th, 2019

(no subject)

We were at home. There was some kind of festival on Main St and people were everywhere. Thousands of them. We stood on our tiny plot of land in the back of our building, people filling the parking lot. Suddenly a group of about 15-20 people, over half of them men, began ripping the petals off of my sunflowers. Loren was so upset. He came to me crying, telling me there were just too many people and he couldn’t make them stop. I tried to hit some of them and shove them using “I’m pregnant” as a defense. Loren went off to cop some dope. He returned after doing his and handed me a full syringe. Out of nowhere, his step dad Brian comes over so I hide it. We talk for a while and eventually I sneak off to get high. I can’t do it alone so Loren helps, but Brian sees us and I panic. He assures me it’s okay, takes off his shoe and sock, and shows me his own track marks between his toes. “I shoot up here” he laughs. Comforted, I allow Loren to put the syringe in my vein. He pulls the plunger back multiple times allowing the syringe to fill with blood and pushing it into me over and over. He’s done. I feel nothing from it at all.

(no subject)

I feel an overwhelming release of judgement. A full realization of its lack of purpose and the lack of space I have for it in my reality. To be bare, to see others. To let them see you. Perhaps so long as we are lost in judgement we will remain unable to be open. Unable to be truly free. For it is all a reflection, so if I judge you, I invariably judge me too. 

family ties

My entire life my dad has said "everything always works out." This used to bring me such frustration. Such annoyance. Clearly, just by looking around, I felt I had ample evidence to the contrary. Proof in the lives of everyone I saw. I would even try to prove him wrong on my more argumentative days. But now, at almost 26, I am coming to a realization. I am coming to a new place. Everything has always worked out for me. For the best. There is no life without dissonance, but there is plenty beyond it. One way or another I have always gotten my way. (Not to say I wouldn't have disagreed with this fact in the midst of turmoil.) Is it life? Is that how it works for everyone? Or somewhere deep in my mind, were the seeds planted? From a young age, from childhood, was I programmed to expect it to work out even if consciously I disagreed? Our parents have such a vivid effect on us. Moments beyond our memories that form the map of our souls. I am realizing that perhaps I am lucky- not necessarily in my experiences but in the tools I was given and taught to cope with and learn from them. I am lucky to have the parents I have. I am lucky to have been molded with my perspective. 

I will always watch my words with you. I will hold you up, not hold you down. I will not curse your future by damning the present. I will show you how to see. I will gladly share the view. Baby, my baby. Everything always works out (and what did you do nice for someone today?)


simple-is-ities

I just finished working. I had some calls today that blew my mind. Or rather, my depth of intuition blew my mind. I am a psychic but some days I can’t help but wonder “but how did I just....know?” It feels great to blow your own mind. How much of life and pleasure is just accepting your gifts? Accepting that you are gifted? What are you drawn to? It’s drawn to you too. Colored to your liking. In a style all your own. I am the embodiment of my soul’s mission and I know that this is why everything is going so well. There is nothing to resist. I am doing what I’m meant to be doing. It flows with ease to and from me. My affirmations have become the way in which I describe my reality. Pure magic.

Later today we are meeting up with Loren’s parents. Brian and I love to get into fiery political debates and he smiles so hugely at the whole thing. I see pride in Linda’s eyes. They’re genuinely curious about us. They’ve grown quite a bit. So have we. They are looking at houses today, and plan on buying one in order to be nearer. They’ve always wanted the closeness but we’re discouraged by our lifestyle. Everything flows now.

I am drinking my coffee and writing this. I’ve already done my yoga and my meditations. I’ve done my affirmations. My dog and I went on our hour-long walk. I send Nico’s candle along with a love letter/instructional guidance. Fragile. I wrote my big sister a two page letter declaring my love and appreciation (it’s just what I do. I’m a romantic in all of my relationships.) I put together a few things along with her candle to gift her for all the work she’s done in the shop that I’ve been unable to help with.

There is a massage place about 3-4 blocks over from me, and in a few minutes I’m going to go there for a $20, 30 minute foot and hand massage. I deserve it (and more) and Loren deserves a day off of rubbing my sore body. I asked him if he wanted me to rub his feet and he declined. Upon further investigation I realized just how much he doesn’t think he deserves little treats like that. I am teaching him to ask for things he would enjoy. I am teaching him that his enjoyment is reason enough to ask. It never dawned on me before that conversation just how much he doesn’t request. I ensured him that I’m his wife and that I love to make him feel good. I’m not sure that he’s convinced he deserves it yet, but baby steps lead to new heights.

Tomorrow is our baby shower. I have a beautiful pink lace dress I’ve been waiting to wear. My mother has worked so hard to plan this get together and I can’t wait to see the pride radiating from her. I am so grateful and that makes me lucky.

There is no luck without genuine appreciation. It can not exist alone. If you don’t see it, it isn’t there. So my eyes are wide with wonder and my blessings come as no surprise. This is now. This is it. I choose to love every moment.

(no subject)

I just spent some time reading my old livejournal.

I am exactly where I wanted so badly to be
Honestly
I have exceeded all expectations.

How dare I ever question my growth.