August 19th, 2019

(no subject)

Our baby shower was a success. The need to nest is intense and overwhelming. I’m working at the restaurant today but my mind is absolutely elsewhere- on crib placement and shelving and washing baby clothes and packing the diaper bag. I do my best not to worry about what I’ll do once I can no longer waitress. This one day provides me with $200 every week. Honestly I’m so provided for that I just can’t let it worry me. What I need always finds it’s way and this is no different. Loren is spending the day with his parents and I’ll have the evening to myself to plan the lay out and begin remodeling our downstairs room.

I’ve been experiencing such a shift. My entire being is morphing and adjusting. I’m not used to things being so easy. It’s hard to explain without sounding foolish. Something about floating thru space and time, comfort at every intersection. A falling into place of monumental proportions. I feel no fear. I feel no doubt. What I want is mine, I just reach out into the void and when I return, it’s there. Just like that. The peace I’ve searched so long for has made itself at home in the fibers of my being. Effortlessness and other fantasies. The shift has been tangible. It started in my eyes, my actual vision effected. I was dizzy the first day, spacial means were incomprehensible. Then I felt it in my mind, then my spirit. I am adjusting to the ease, to the easy. It’s something foreign but welcome. All is welcome.
All is mine.

It, I, everything in between, feels new. I am ready. I am worthy.

How nice it is.