September 1st, 2019

something simple, simply nothing

I don’t know if I’m having any particular realizations or if my environment is just encouraging me to address some things. I’m tired of feeling disappointed. Why do I expect? What do I expect? Nothing is surprising and maybe that’s what hurts. I have an ache in my belly and an ache in my heart and an ache in my head. An ache in my soul. Why do I allow the action or inaction of others to affect me so deeply? Is it because they are already deep inside? Is it a way to make space? Is this growth? I can turn it into growth and that’s what matters now. I can learn from it, but with this new-found knowledge, the exterior is bound to change. Bound and chained. I am safety and survival and eloquence and disgust. I know what needs done and I have no idea how to do it. In my dreams I leave. I run. And then I wake up. I still don’t believe in emotional labor in a lot of ways, but I do in a lot of ways too. I carry this burden so that you don’t have to. Not because I want to but because you won’t. I have a lot to think about but it doesn’t do any good. Do good. I try. I am all ears and feeling and depth and mystery. I am wonderful but where does it go if it’s only seen by me? Is it there? Does it count? Ignorance is bliss, realizing your ignorance isn’t. I am the one who realizes and they are the ones that show me. And they sleep well every night. Sooner than later. Better now than in a little while. I can’t stand the uncertainty. I’ve been waiting for loneliness, late at night, early in the morning. I’ve been staying up to meet it. I am the embrace and the let down. I take ownership over my experience. No one is to blame, I don’t wish shame on anyone. I don’t wish for anything. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. I release any attachment to desired outcomes. I expect nothing. I see it for what it is. I am the honesty and vulnerability and everything else. I’m used to it too.

(no subject)

It’s all for me. Expect nothing. Do something. Appreciate everything.

What can I do when words mean nothing but you won’t shut up? Hear me out. What can I do when action offers no solution? Figure it out. I am all powerful, you’re lucky. I am so masterful, you’re blessed. This is the age of knowing when to move and when to settle.