September 16th, 2019

(no subject)

I have work today. Work, work, at the restaurant. My belly is getting so heavy and my ankles are sore. I’m not entirely tired of being pregnant but I am entirely tired. I don’t think it’ll be much longer but time will tell, clearly. Either way it isn’t much time. I wake up at 4 on the days that I waitress and I love this time but I don’t think I’d do it without reason. The air is different that early (or late.) It just feels different. It takes longer and longer for the sun to rise these days. Fall is so near. The evidence is everywhere.

The one day I work at the restaurant, I work with Sam. It’s like one of those little jokes that life provides. I really don’t mind, which is funny in its own right. It might bother her more than me because the situation surrounding the situation was one of deceit, not just to me but also to her. She feels guilty and shameful even though I told her not to. Feelings are feelings though. I’ve only had to tell one employee to shut up, which is significantly less than I’d expected. Sometimes respect is keeping it to whisper. My family has been wonderful towards us, all three. It’s strange when your whole family is involved. Still, I impress myself endlessly. The growth is more than obvious. I am proud to be me. I have offered comfort where none was to be found. I have been a safe space for all involved. It feels good. Something about legacy. Something about how death is a perpetual opportunity and how i’d rather be seen or remembered. Warm and welcoming. Sweet. Kind. Gentle. You can’t choose how you are perceived but you can decide how you will be and that is enough.

The days are getting shorter, rapidly. The time between is shrinking along with them. In no time I’ll be new. Newer, even. The cycle of growth is mind blowing. The inertia making me dizzy some days, but with a smile on my face.

I finished writing my thank-you cards for and from the baby shower. It is a relief. I’m that kind of person- hand written thank you’s, even just for attending. It was instilled in me and I will instill it in you. Reach for meaning, always, everywhere. Let others know that you value their thoughts and continuation of such. Making the people you love feel loved is underrated in our society. Such concern with being loved that we forget the other side. I appreciate my sentimentality. I feel beautiful again. My face was swollen for a few days and I was sort of shaken. I broke 3 nails as well and that pains me beyond reason. But today I look in the mirror and stop and smile and I feel lovely inside and out. My body is beautiful. My mind is baffling. My depth is mysterious, even to me. It is a privilege to experience me in any form. That much I know is true.

I love to tell myself sweet things. I love to take care of myself. Spend time on myself. Be there for myself. The way it has shaped me into an entirely loving being is amazing. I can be there for others because I’m there for myself. Loren has been taking care of himself lately and I can’t wait to watch him grow from it. Before he cut his hair, he had such little confidence in himself and it showed. I was used to it, I didn’t even notice. It was gradual. Something about comfort within a relationship, something about letting yourself go. Physicality has always been important to me so it just never got that far on my end. But because I love him unconditionally, I didn’t see the way he was unraveling. For years and years. And the things that does to your confidence, contentment, self-love and approval. It ruins them. Slowly enough to never feel the poison until one day you don’t recognize yourself anymore. This is part of his drive to deceive me, I’m sure. I wouldn’t ask him to change for me and I don’t expect any version of him. How he looks doesn’t determine how dedicated I am. Someone else had to do that. Ignite that fire. Watching him feel excited for new soap or researching single-blade razors brings me such joy. To see him proud of how many sit ups or whatever else he’s done makes me proud too. Even in a selfish way. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy on looking nice for him, and feeling that returned is wonderful. I understand the idea of ego and how little the physical means but that sounds silly to me. I think enjoying your outside is healthy and nice. Being unsightly is nothing to be proud of. It doesn’t make one morally superior to me. Finding joy in whatever is an accomplishment, it may as well be yourself.

(no subject)

On monogamy (or the lack of)

I think it is unreasonable to expect your partner (or yourself) to see only you, for the entirety of a relationship. I think there is a sense of setting oneself up for disappointment. With that said, while monogamy isn’t something I am particularly partial to, I think claiming “non-monogamous” is equally as limiting. Love is beyond any need for labels. It shifts and grows and bends and nothing is permanent. The things I’ve been okay with and accepting of change often. Having standards isn’t the same as expectations. A title would only limit me. I’ve wanted more freedom and less freedom depending on when I was asked.

When it comes to exploring others, I am open in some ways and not in others. I think sexual freedom is important but trust comes first. Every relationship one will ever have (romantic, platonic, familial) comes with its own set of rules. It just works better when those rules are outlined clearly, leaving no room for confusion.

For me, right now, I have thought long and hard about what I am comfortable with.
I don’t mind sharing, exploring, discovering another person’s body and soul- together. Isolated affairs are not something I would be willing to compromise on at the present moment, regardless of how I’ve felt in the past. Any outside relationships would need to rely on physical attraction and affection. Feelings don’t bother me so long as they are open and out on the table. I refuse to have anyone make me feel as though I am coming second. If I am in a committed relationship, I need to feel as though that relationship is top priority. I have no feelings regarding kissing or hand holding or whatever of that nature. No rules on saving a particular thing for just us. Things happen, and if the situation were to arise where my partner developed serious feelings for someone else- I would handle that however I do at the time. I can’t say if that would be okay or unacceptable. It would depend on the person and the place and the timing and the severity. I could never hold feelings against my partner, I would never blame them, shame them, disregard them. However, it is ultimately up to me and I also won’t make myself uncomfortable. I won’t cater to anyone at my own expense. Not asking someone else to change doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t change. That’s okay.

The best part is that any outside opinions are entirely irrelevant. It is my relationship for a reason. I know myself better than anyone else. I know us and him better than anyone else. My main priority is myself, discovering what I truly want and feel and long for. I am willing to learn and grow, but at my own pace and how I want to. I won’t make allowances that aren’t returned. If it makes my partner uncomfortable, I expect the respect of not asking it of me, unless I am willing. There are a lot of things that would make Loren uncomfortable but I don’t think he’s thought them out.

However, there is no rush. My trust has been crushed and I am comfortable with very little right now. I’ve always been up to sleep with someone, together. (I am pregnant, soon to have a baby. This is future talk in general. My focus is elsewhere. Our focus is elsewhere, now.) But so far as actual relationships, more than one-time flings, I am not there yet. The purpose of this is pleasure, so if it wouldn’t please me, I don’t wanna. I won’t do anything I don’t want to. It’s that simple. I don’t know how I’ll feel in 6 months, in a year- and part of having openness in your relationship is accepting and respecting the place your partner is at. I don’t want a relationship where I don’t prioritize Loren’s wants and needs and vice versa.

This isn’t a pressing subject anywhere but in my own mind. The general consensus is that we are content where we are. We are in the process of rediscovering each other. Finding our confidence together. It’s just something I’m into. An experience I would like to be mine. Something I would like to share. We have been together a long time. We’ve been with a bunch of people. For a long time the only partner we shared was heroin and we were very committed. It is impossible to explain the inner workings of any long term relationship, especially since things grow and move. No one can promise forever, but it can be likely and understood and make sense.

In my eyes, titles are irrelevant. I am open to sexual exploration but also being faithful. Faithfulness comes first. No surprises, no withholding. Respect (to me) means allowing your partner to make educated decisions. If I had feelings for someone else I would let it be known. It isn’t my place to decide what is and isn’t okay to him. Priorities matter. Family matters. My family comes first no matter what and that is a personal but mutual decision.

With that said, I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend, but the right one- and that is a whole other story.

(no subject)

Making it a point to dance with my belly every day. And when it works, we’ll dance once you’re out here too. I love you.

(no subject)

Iced coffee, transparency, wet dirt, results, stretching, moving, sweating, counting down days, reading together, undying gratitude, ritual candles, bird feathers, anticipation and appreciation, velvet pillows, packed bags, nesting, settling in, cuddles on couches, falling asleep in the arms of someone you love, mutual admiration, sensation, green olives, swollen ankles, thank-you cards, being 26, dedicated planning, writing it all down, chiropractic adjustments that leave you feeling new, taking care, caring for, being here