September 18th, 2019

(no subject)

It is a cold morning. I brought my kittens outside. Life is sweet.
We heard feminine laughter coming from my sister’s room and thought she brought someone home. She did, but others were there too. Sam, Tyler, Abby. They were very high on molly and a couple of them on acid too. Tyler wants to get custody of his children so I offered to give him an internal and external makeover. Loren is giving him his old cologne and I am taking him to goodwill later today to get him looking better. Oversized ironic pot shirts and galaxy baseball hats only get you so far in life. That one gains confidence from looking your best is irrefutable. And it seeps into everything else. It is always worth the effort. I’m not promoting a false self, or a self that is out to impress others. It’s in finding your personal style as your 20’s come to an end. It’s accepting that just because it did work doesn’t mean it will always work. Its growing and allowing change. Letting go, releasing your grip on the past and who you were then. I think we should be able to look however we want but in our society that does come with consequences. It’s unfair. It’s cruel. But it’s true. Work the system. Make it your own. I have found my style, but I never lost it. I’m gifted when it comes to looking the way I want to look. Making things work for me. I love blazers but I never look boring. I’m obviously eccentric but also polished in many ways. God damn I love myself.

(no subject)

I’m thinking of buying an espresso machine. I drink a lot of espresso, on average, and I’d prefer to make it at home. Making everything an art form. A form of art. Of mastery. Taking everything to a different level. Deciding on meaning and applying it. Everything can be beautiful. I want intention to seep from my pores and cover everything I know.

As cliche and overworn as it may sound, life truly is what you make it. Hell is always a very real possibility, if you let it be. The comfort within that is that heaven is just as true. I want to feel excited for the present moment and eager for the next. It doesn’t just appear. It takes focus of perception. Effort. Awareness. Life will happen with or without your consent, your input. This is where misery comes from. Allowing it to just happen. Offering no direction or anticipation or interest. When we expect the life of our dreams to just appear, to just be, we will always be let down. It is necessary to perpetually put in the work. To make it happen. There is no shame in sitting back to enjoy the view but first you must plant the flowers.

That’s what I’m doing now. Giving myself what I know I need. Doing The Work is much less miserable than we make it. For some reason we fill ourselves with dread, with resentment, towards bettering ourselves. We make it big and scary. Off-putting. Putting it off. If we can teach ourselves to embrace the effort- to find comfort in improvement, it becomes something we can enjoy. Look forward to. It’s like procrastinating- as if doing nothing is really that satisfying. Lose the attachment to “easy.” Boredom strikes and we hold it close. Allowing it to direct us into nothingness. No more. I don’t want that. It’s fulfilling to impress yourself. To try. To learn. I know that when I succumb to the urge of nothing, to throwing away my time and my energy, it fills me with anxiety. With longing. With guilt. I fought this for a while before I realized. There is nothing wrong with rest, but you must first need it. In order for me to enjoy relaxation it can’t be all that I do. It’s a vicious circle. Cycle. Cyclical. This has nothing to do with money or the capitalist notion of production. But with the self. Myself. I deserve my effort and energy. I deserve to create the life I want. And if I’m not taking steps in that direction, I am taking a break from a life I hate rather than taking a break from progress and growth. Taking a step back to enjoy the view rather than catch my breath.

Making myself more me. Yeah. That’s it.