October 5th, 2019

(no subject)

It’s true what they say- your whole world changes in a mother fucking instant. Impossible to describe before personally experiencing it.

I was 6cm dilated when I got to the hospital. The contractions weren’t so bad, I think I got lucky in that sense. I put off going to the hospital until my contractions were 3 minutes apart because I wasn’t convinced lol. I got my epidural but within a couple hours I could feel my legs again and feel the examinations. The doctor broke my water for me and said he’d be back in an hour or two, but within 15 minutes I felt an immense pressure. I put off calling him back because I wasn’t convinced, again. But before too long I did, and I was 10cm dilated and they had me push. Within 15 or 20 minutes (I wasn’t counting and there are differing recollections) Hedy was born. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. They seemed surprised by how quickly everything went but I don’t know the difference or know better. I’m pleased that it didn’t take hours, the pain seems unimaginable. It was painful. I don’t know that there is any way to prepare for that kind of experience. I can only imagine how it feels to be the man. To hear the sounds and see the sights and not be able to do anything about it. The look on Loren’s face was priceless. I could see him seeing the circle of life. Amazing.

I am so sore today but I feel good. The daze is lifting. I needed out of my room so I went for a small walk this morning. I feel more like myself. I feel good. I feel whole. I’m so happy it’s done, I’m so happy I have my baby to hold. A girl we know who was pregnant along with me lost her baby shortly after delivery. It has to be uniquely painful. Excruciating. To be given such a gift only to have it ripped from your world. Stolen from you. I am so blessed. The look in her eyes, the scent of her skin. The softness and confusion. I told her all about the world and how she is perfect for it. For me and for us.

Seeing Loren become a father has turned my reality inside out. I love him in a new way now. He’s been so supportive and helpful and eager. Beyond my wildest expectations. Beyond what I could ever ask from anyone. He’s already an amazing father. I haven’t seen him cry so much in all the time spent together. To watch him fall in love with our baby? A sight to behold. Glorious. I feel capable and ready for any and everything. I am still on a high, I realiZe this. But I am relishing in the moments. The feelings. The reality.

She eats like a champ. She’s slept so well. The methadone hasn’t had any adverse responses in her so far. I won’t know until tomorrow or the next day how she truly is but I am staying positive. All signs so far are good signs, the nurses assure me. Whatever happens, we will face it. I can’t think about seeing her in pain. The thought alone kills me. I just want to take her home, sit in our bed, and stare at her from head to toe. Kiss her. Caress her. The noises she makes melt me in ways I didn’t know existed. I am new, now, for you.