December 5th, 2019

(no subject)

It’s almost 2020 and I feel as though my vision is clearer than ever. There are certainly unspoken rules in this life, like allowing the pedestrian to cross no matter what when it’s snowing. Like holding the door for others. Like allowing the elderly in front of you in check out lines.
Life, like.
Language is so far beyond words.
The person I am teaches my daughter everything she knows. Whether or not i realize, even in quiet moments, everything I am is all she knows.
I had a strange nostalgia yesterday when Loren played Minus the Bear (of all music). Something about zip up hoodies, skin tight, jeans the like. That feeling of growing up when we did. A bygone time, isn’t that wild? Just like tomorrow makes today. Nothing stays not even you. It’s always moving, the future belongs to someone else. Not us. And not even them.
I painted French tips on my nails and it’s my new look. In general, I feel motherly, young, old, ready, unfamiliar, clean, conscious and a little distracted.
Somebody, homebody.
My heart goes out to babies with flat heads and babies left to cry. Hedy is a lucky girl and I remind her often. I remind myself of the same.
We listen to more classical music than ever. Not in an attempt to make Hedy any more intelligent -the child needs no help with that- She faces the same isolation that all of us in a similar position face- but because we like it.
I imagine where I’ll be at 30. I always assumed I’d be dead but I don’t feel that way anymore. The future is as wide open as ever and the potential is screaming.
I feel mostly amaZed, mostly capable, mostly myself.
What is not but should be just might.