December 22nd, 2019

(no subject)

This morning has me thinking- as I make myself uncomfortable with the things that ‘need’ done and the general state of myself- I am separated from normalcy. Isolation breeds this distinct distance from honest reality. It’s been a long time since I’ve had any female friends near me. We’ve made a few friends, typically Loren’s doing, but always male and never for long. Left alone, it is too easy to create a fog of oneself- a kind of barrier on one’s perspective- and after so long it is touches everything, all you can see, and it becomes nothing but an extension of your unchecked influence. I find it hard to imagine how others live. What is typically acceptable. When I’m too hard on myself. A dream within a dream thing. A vague understanding. You don’t realize how much those around you become you until there is no one and you are all. I’m not complaining, I am noticing and wondering. It would do me some good to find a friend. I’m out of practice. It always came so naturally before.

(no subject)

I didn’t think that getting married would change anything. We’ve been together so long, we’ve lived together so long, we have a baby. And yet- it does. It feels different. I feel married. Similarly to being asked how one feels after a birthday, but actually feeling different. Yesterday I almost referred to him as my boyfriend, but caught myself. My husband. I feel particularly grown and wild and free all at once. I guess this feeling has tones of freedom and excitement, preparedness, dedication. I wonder what mistakes we will make and how we will work through them. I imagine beautiful mornings filled with freshly baked goods and ripened fruit and soft touches. I imagine sneaking away from the children for time together. I imagine being old and much slower, reminiscing in laughter. I imagine his eyes always looking (at me) the same.

I put a lot of effort into everything these days. Remembering to surrender, to release, to hold no attachment to the outcome. This moment is life. All of life. It is always going away and coming together. We meet here again and again. I have a lot to learn so I know that I’m learning. I know that I don’t know and I’m seeing that I don’t need to. I am digging my heels into the now. The past is beautiful and painful and frank. The future is strange and always far away. I want to be here, even when I forget. I want to be me even on my worst days.

Hedy is asleep. She is such a kind baby. I drink my tea and do my chores. I remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be. I have so much knowledge to share.

In January I start working at our shop. Business is steadily increasing. I have a feeling we will be successful beyond our understanding. Beyond our hopes. People need the light. They are drawn to it. I am excited to interact with people again. I’ve spent months in my cocoon of self- growing and changing- but it is time to go beyond. I am ready.