February 22nd, 2020

(no subject)

This is a turning point for me. Just me. It has nothing to do with-

I can feel it in my bones and somehow deeper. Something more. A colossal weight and how it lifts. A shift. Where does it go? Is it a transmutation of the self? Not created, not destroyed, but undeniably changed. Like I can finally exhale and I’ve been holding on for-

A perspective I’ve longed for. Near and dear. Like I can finally step back and see it all, clearly now. A release of guilt and/or shame that I didn’t know I had held so tightly to. I can enjoy this. All of it. Regardless.

(no subject)

Matrescence. It is a transition, bodily, spiritually, emotionally. It is easy because it is the only option. Lack of choice, removal of possibility- it allows one to accept thoroughly and do what is required. For me at least. This is me now and I enjoy it. Embrace it.

I long for warm days. To strap Hedy to my chest and go outside. Lakes and parks and grass and leaves and flowers and bugs and birds and everything else. I wanna show her how kind the wind can be and how the warmth of the sun can hypnotize us.

Here we are. This is life. All of it. Now. How does it make you feel to know that? To know that this is you. Completely. These thoughts have been guiding me towards memorable moments and the documentation of such. It used to feel easier to make memories worth remembering. The days felt longer because they were full of change. There is no fault here, only recognition and respect. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

All I know is if I don’t enjoy today, tomorrow will be the same unless I change it.

Full, fuller, fullest.

And living