March 30th, 2020

(no subject)

The days feel strange. Hedy and Loren are still asleep and I get it- having a break from work must feel both great and unfamiliar. I’ve been building structure into my days for months now and it has become second nature. I like to wake up with the sun and have my coffee and think and be still. Having Loren home all the time is both great and unfamiliar to me too. There is a pull to do less, to be close, to let the world fall away. There is a readjustment. There is an absence of alone time. I am not complaining. I do enjoy it. Just different.

There aren’t many people where we live (even when there are) and we are free to go on walks. This helps with the cabin fever. I choose not to interact with anyone closely who doesn’t live with me. My parents are my best friends and I must protect them at all costs. Yes. We are all waiting in limbo for money and information.

Personally, I thank the universe for this experience because it is preparing us for worse. Mother Nature feels our disrespect and it makes her ill. When she hurts- we hurt.

Yesterday or the day before I was out on the sidewalk doing my best to instruct an elderly friend regarding unemployment (which is difficult being feet away). She did leave and I was about to go inside when a car pulled up. A very large black man was inside- he asked me for directions to a nearby restaurant. I obliged. Small talk for a moment. All at once I realized what was going on when I looked slightly down. A massive, throbbing and for some reason shiny black cock in his hand. (When I say massive I couldn’t imagine the size.....). We were done talking anyway and I was sorta shocked and I said bye and turned away and laughed to myself. Life is funny. I’m not particularly offended.

We are reorganizing our home in the midst of all the chaos. I feel more inclined than ever to make my space feel like me. Mine. Ours.

(no subject)

My confidence as a mother only grows. The concepts and limitations i idealized seem to have stuck. My nurturing nature, my patience, my obligation and my heart are growing intensively. I feel lucky to know my daughter and I feel lucky for her that she gets to know me. All we do is play and cuddle and eat and dance and love. I am a great mom.

The moments are fleeting so that we may savor them truly.