cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

I’m waking up on the roof with some coffee. It feels wonderful outside. I’ve been looking at houses all morning. Not because I have the means to buy one but because it inspires me and encourages me. (finding encouragement where i once would have found the opposite.) I woke up this morning and got ready for the day immediately and I think I prefer it this way. Today anyway. Routine is magic but so is spontaneity (and everything in between but that’s beside the point.) Something about authenticity over falseness but then one must consider keeping the peace. The sun is bright and it warms my skin but it isn’t uncomfortable yet. Prolonged exposure and other possibilities. I went on a late night walk for the first time this week, last night, and it was very nice I think I’ll do that more, but actually. So many ideas and only one reality and one now. The thought recurs, who do I want to be. Open-ended and outdated. There is still so much to be done and I am in no state to do it all but I will anyway. It will never be even or fair, huh? Too much attention or I can’t help but notice. I’m an observer. By default and regardless of want. I see it all and some days I wish I didn’t but it’s pointless. I had bad dreams last night, “bad” because they’re all too familiar. Been there, undone from that. Some things just aren’t an option anymore and that’s okay. Fine. Find the peace that comes from knowing even when you’d rather not. My coffee is warm and feels nice on my throat. Speaking in whispers beats keeping it in, but you won’t be heard regardless.

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