cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

It feels brisk this morning. There is an almost-autumn chill to the air but I’m wearing shorts regardless. I got ready immediately upon waking again and I think I will incorporate it into my every day. Does everyone think about everything? Sometimes I think not. Sometimes I feel like they can just do, and I just don’t. I’ve been in a shell for a long time and it’s created a type of distance from understanding others or even perhaps what is commonly acceptable. Do I worry too much about the dishes and the floor boards? I don’t know. Yesterday morning I went to put on my glasses and the left arm just wasn’t attached anymore. We went to the lake and luckily I had my back-up glasses. Upon returning home I took of my shirt and the left arm fell off of those glasses too. If I didn’t have insurance I’d be truly hurt but I’ve been wanting new glasses so I’m taking it in a good way. My coffee is great this morning. I complimented a flock of girls on my walk home from the coffee spot- their hair was long and beautiful. They seemed surprised and it feels so nice to share. I can’t help but wonder about the future and so many things but I guess it’s the context in which we wonder- and whether or not we allow it to become worry. So far so good but the day is young. “I will feel better when” feels false and presumptuous so I am doing what feels good now. My mornings won’t be so quiet for long, my days won’t be so mine. I am okay with it but I am aware and making the most and taking it in. We will never be here again and yet we never leave. The infinite possibility rings loudly in the distance. By the end of summer I am ready for fall, all the while knowing the importance of being outside while I can. I guess that’s it- all you can do. What’s the most afraid you’ve ever felt? Been? I wonder about where all we will live and whether or not my children will be able to hang things on their walls there. It’s easy to lose yourself without children so I can only imagine. But I’ve lost myself before and I know I am good for no one in that state. I want to offer you my experience and knowledge and whatever you do from there will be what you do from there. My parents did such a great job in my eyes but I don’t know if both of my sisters agree and that makes me wonder too. I think we judge our parents too harshly. One day none of us will have our youth to lean on and then what? Security and absence and longing and sanity. Soon I will cut my grapefruit and we will eat it and you will kick me out of love. The fountain of youth is in our children. Nothing ever dies unless you let it. Hopes and wants and reality, it can be a bit much. But being here, in the August sun, with my coffee and my birds. I think I can take whatever comes next, with or without a smile. There are more important things than happiness. I require meaning.

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