Since I have 5 doctors, they don’t always communicate. Tuesday I had an appointment and my doctor, nonchalantly, told me the gender of our baby. After 8 months of mystery and excitement and surprise, it was all gone in the blink of an eye. It made me cry. I didn’t want to know. I really wanted the surprise of hearing “it’s a _________” and I won’t get that now. It made me very sad. This was during the appointment that Loren missed too. Insult to injury or whatever.
There is so much left to be done. There is so much left to be done and time is passing. I force comfort on myself by doing what I can, but unfortunately most of what needs done is out of my hands. I can’t move the heavy things taking up space in our extra room. I can’t fix my car. I can’t lay the new flooring. I know it’s a lot, but I think I’d feel better if I could just do it myself rather than feel like I’m nagging every day. I have to remind myself often that sharing my body, mind and space- pushing a child out of my vagina- is a huge job and one that only I can do, and this really helps to remove any guilt I tend to experience. Because it is. It’s a big job and no one can do it but me.
The changes are so close I can taste them on my skin. On my skin that is shedding more and more each day. Everything is or will be new. It is scary in a nice way. It is intimidating in the best way. Everything is so near now that there is no distracting from it. There is no denying it. There is no going back.
This afternoon, once I’m finished working, I have to write my thank you cards. I am sentimental and plan on personalizing them and filling them with honest words and appreciation. Any opportunity to spill my heart out through written word is accepted happily. The people I love (and who love me) have really stepped up and made things happen for me. I owe them everything. You never know how much support you have (or don’t have) until moments like this- moments when you really need it. I am so glad the support for me leans much further to the side of “have” rather than “have not.” Loren’s dad still hasn’t congratulated me or even spoken to me. 8 months in. He will regret his negligence one day. It is not my burden.
I bought myself a nice glass water bottle yesterday. I am packing the diaper bag (and suitcase because it’s like that) and that will feel so good. Some extras I plan on: slippers, disposable cameras, sketch book/journal, markers, books, silk pajamas, silk robe, Loren ;). I will really miss my kittens during my stay there and that breaks my heart- and it breaks my heart knowing they’ll wonder where I’ve gone! We are so close, so connected, so one. They kiss my belly. I can’t wait to have it all packed up and ready to go. Later today I’m buying baskets for diapers because I am an aesthetic babe and I can’t stand ugly boxes in my space. People tell me I won’t care when the time comes but they don’t know me. Beauty is a necessity for my happiness and survival. I know myself well enough to know that if I lose myself I will be a horrible mother. I love my baby beyond words so I won’t expect all of my happiness to come from them. I won’t wrap my identity around them, losing myself. It isn’t fair to them or me.
I believe in myself, my dreams, my marriage and my child. Everything else will come as it should. Everything is beautiful.