cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

My birthday is a week from today. 26. I would say “time flies” but I’m working on choosing my words more mindfully. Rather than creating a reality of lack and discomfort, I’ve been focusing on speaking my truth in a way that serves me- in a way that encourages abundance and love and happiness. Of course I slip up sometimes, but how I react to these moments counts and builds habits so I accept the opportunities to prove myself to myself. At night, I’ve been waking up every half hour. I’ll accept it as practice and do things and eat things that encourage health. Our car didn’t pass inspection so we are handling that one way or the other. The timing isn’t preferable but that isn’t up to me and I am doing my best to remain in alignment with trust here. Not smoking pot is going better than I could have anticipated. I won’t say it’s “easy” but the results are impressive. I have so much more energy and motivation. My days feel longer because I’m able to maintain interest in things I’d usually put off until the next day. I think I’ll stick with it, in the sense of smoking much less when I’m able to again. Keeping my tolerance low. There is something to releasing dependence on anything outside of the self. I don’t rely on outside anything. I am content with myself. I washed and put away all of the baby clothes. We got 3 bags of clothes from a family friend for $60. We have everything we need for the arrival and that brings me such solace and comfort. There is plenty to be done, but when it comes to supplies I feel prepared. Going through the bags of clothes solidified my excitement. Made it real and true and something I could hold. I go back and forth between preparedness and overwhelm but I have accepted that it just comes with birth. With having a human. With creating a consciousness. It’s only right. Some days I wonder if I’m asking too much of myself by trying to have a child and start a business but I’m doin it and it’s getting done. Some type of imposter syndrome tries to sneak in, as if I don’t deserve the gift or as if I can’t handle it. If anyone can, I can. If anyone can, it’s me. The shop is almost finished when it comes to the remodeling and it is nearing the time to buy supplies and stock our goods. It’s feeling real now. Really real. Really now. In a lot of ways I still can’t believe it. We completely gutted the building and have done everything to it. (When I say ‘we’ I mean my sister, her husband and Loren. This brings me guilt but I’m pregnant and there are things I just can not do.) I still don’t know how I’ve been able to afford the renovation but it’s almost done now and I’m not completely out of money so I feel pleased and capable- even if I’m not sure how I’ll afford to buy the goods we’ll sell. Trust, right? I’ve been reminding mySelf the importance of trusting in it all. I’m a fucking shop owner. I own a shop. I’m a mother, I’m having a baby. I am an entirely new person.

Since I have 5 doctors, they don’t always communicate. Tuesday I had an appointment and my doctor, nonchalantly, told me the gender of our baby. After 8 months of mystery and excitement and surprise, it was all gone in the blink of an eye. It made me cry. I didn’t want to know. I really wanted the surprise of hearing “it’s a _________” and I won’t get that now. It made me very sad. This was during the appointment that Loren missed too. Insult to injury or whatever.

There is so much left to be done. There is so much left to be done and time is passing. I force comfort on myself by doing what I can, but unfortunately most of what needs done is out of my hands. I can’t move the heavy things taking up space in our extra room. I can’t fix my car. I can’t lay the new flooring. I know it’s a lot, but I think I’d feel better if I could just do it myself rather than feel like I’m nagging every day. I have to remind myself often that sharing my body, mind and space- pushing a child out of my vagina- is a huge job and one that only I can do, and this really helps to remove any guilt I tend to experience. Because it is. It’s a big job and no one can do it but me.

The changes are so close I can taste them on my skin. On my skin that is shedding more and more each day. Everything is or will be new. It is scary in a nice way. It is intimidating in the best way. Everything is so near now that there is no distracting from it. There is no denying it. There is no going back.

This afternoon, once I’m finished working, I have to write my thank you cards. I am sentimental and plan on personalizing them and filling them with honest words and appreciation. Any opportunity to spill my heart out through written word is accepted happily. The people I love (and who love me) have really stepped up and made things happen for me. I owe them everything. You never know how much support you have (or don’t have) until moments like this- moments when you really need it. I am so glad the support for me leans much further to the side of “have” rather than “have not.” Loren’s dad still hasn’t congratulated me or even spoken to me. 8 months in. He will regret his negligence one day. It is not my burden.

I bought myself a nice glass water bottle yesterday. I am packing the diaper bag (and suitcase because it’s like that) and that will feel so good. Some extras I plan on: slippers, disposable cameras, sketch book/journal, markers, books, silk pajamas, silk robe, Loren ;). I will really miss my kittens during my stay there and that breaks my heart- and it breaks my heart knowing they’ll wonder where I’ve gone! We are so close, so connected, so one. They kiss my belly. I can’t wait to have it all packed up and ready to go. Later today I’m buying baskets for diapers because I am an aesthetic babe and I can’t stand ugly boxes in my space. People tell me I won’t care when the time comes but they don’t know me. Beauty is a necessity for my happiness and survival. I know myself well enough to know that if I lose myself I will be a horrible mother. I love my baby beyond words so I won’t expect all of my happiness to come from them. I won’t wrap my identity around them, losing myself. It isn’t fair to them or me.

I believe in myself, my dreams, my marriage and my child. Everything else will come as it should. Everything is beautiful.

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