Ya I know.
There is always room for improvement, especially when you’re hurt. Pain is ferocious and powerful. To channel this energy....to use it up (otherwise it suffocates and) to embody it and transmute it and do something real.
Death is on my mind. If I died today would I be happy? That’s a silly question. I’d be love. But how do I want to be remembered? What do I want to remind others of once I’m gone? This? I’m not sure. But I’m not dead yet. I want to understand you, I want to understand me too. My hands are cold and my lungs are bad. I will clean your wounds but I don’t promise that I will never hurt you.
I have no expectations. The sweet release (second only to..). I smell you on my skin.
My skin that is only sort of mine for now. I am a home. Do you feel that? It’s yours too.
Women can be so gentle and sweet. I can’t hold your feelings against you. Or me. I don’t want to hold much of anything. Let it go, and I exhale. Any concern is no longer mine. I refuse it. It’s now, and again. It’s now. Here I am. I erase the image from my mind. I just want to smile. I just want to make you smile.
I take responsibility for my choices. I fully step into the light, and there is no hiding here. The shadows cast create distorted figures but I do not run. I do not run. I stand here in my feelings and let them move through me like particles of potentiality. Temporary and. Complacency breeds a a lack of appreciation which leads to blind progress. (All movement is progress, but without direction you become lost fast.) You don’t get to choose what wakes you up.
When I said I felt alive, I meant it. The late summer air and how it makes me feel. Memories are false and unreliable. Your perception is in constant flux, how could you believe in the past? Our favorite couple hasn’t been walking together lately. I wonder for them. I wonder about their lives and how they would feel if they knew they were noticed. We all just want to feel loved. The need (and I mean need) will overpower logic and reason and morals every time. If it is absent we will find it.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t get it but that’s silly. It’s mine. My perception is beautiful. Unique. The lens through which I see the world is colored with magic and amazement. I feel for you. I feel you. I look towards the beauty in every moment. It is ever present. I am beautiful because I say so. There is no one like me. It could never be a competition, because it doesn’t matter which state of perception anyone else views me through. I let myself forget that. I let myself forget a lot of things about myself. I am remembering now. It’s all coming back (it always does). I am an artist and a healer and a friend and a lover. Who I choose to share myself with is completely my choice and I choose to be where I feel most like myself. Today the place is my back porch with my birds and some music and my writing. I can not promise for tomorrow. It is too far away. I know what i want but I can not allow the weight to be yours or theirs. Ideally is an idea, vague and evolving. I know who I am and that is enough.