cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

I’m 26. In my late 20’s. Having a baby. A family. I am the adult, isn’t that the funniest joke? Almost as funny as people who believe it. Part of me wishes I could pet this beautiful little squirrel. Part of me gets nervous when he looks me in the eyes and prepares to jump. There isn’t anything wrong with admiration from afar so long as what you’re seeing is clear and true. It’s cold this morning, just like it was yesterday morning. By the afternoon the sun was hot and everything was sticky. Late summer.

I don’t think I’d want to sleep with someone I didn’t (at least) like. Meaningless sex? But it’s my body. My home. I have a hard enough time with honesty and vulnerability. I wouldn’t want to share the look on my face. The way my body can shake. Something so private to me. Of course all feelings and inclinations are subject to change. But a common thread would be anytime I slept with someone I didn’t care for, I was in a dark place. Seeking power. I have a power within me now. I don’t seek validation from others. Just shared pleasure based on reciprocal admiration.

We are all gonna die. So soon. As days turn to weeks, melt into months, and puddle into years. A pool of experience and being. And then it’s just gone. The world keeps spinning, babies are born and grow and change. Become. We are all just being and growing, but eventually growth leads to deterioration. I’m saying make the most. Mercedes, keep this in mind. If it is a waste of time, do something else. Value those little moments of peace and wonder. Make more of them. Keep it in mind. Close. Ever-present. And when it hurts, remember what a privilege it is to feel. Experience is beautiful. Seeing yourself cry is a masterpiece if only you have eyes to see.

For my birthday I asked for a fire. My family is all able to come and I am excited. The other day, while walking my dog around 12 am, we passed by a home and they had a fire going in the back yard. The sound grabbed my attention. I had to stop and stare in awe. It was mesmerizing. I knew then that I needed more.

I have plans for tattoos and excitement too. How glorious is it that we get to decorate the space we take up? We get to make ourselves at home if we want to, however we want to. Everything I touch is left with my feeling. My presence lingers and makes itself known. I don’t look up to anyone, I look them straight in the eye.

It’s always nice to hear just how amazing you are. How valued you are. It doesn’t matter whether or not you already know. It’s in the declaration. Knowing how you look through the eyes of someone you love. The witness to your life, giving you sustenance. The person who sees you most deeply. While you sleep and when you’re reading a book. Watering plants and giving the dog a bath. Putting lotion on after a nice shower. The little mannerisms you didn’t even know you had. They see you in a way you can’t even see yourself. Some things are just special.

In a lot of ways I feel encouraged to explore myself more thoroughly. There is beauty in rediscovery- in making time to get inside your own head. Your own heart. What makes it beat?
It beats for me and for you and for our baby,
For slow mornings and big thoughts,
Home cooking and hot baths
and even pain.

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