cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

The change of weather is happening so quickly it caught me off guard in a lot of ways. You always think you have more time. So I’m making it a point to spend time outside with my kittens. Take walks. Breathe in the summer air before it leaves once again.

Perspective? Man. I don’t hate that people come to me with their problems. I’m a healer. The thing I couldn’t stand was my refusal of myself. My refusal to do the hard work and think about the tough things. I love to help people. My brain and heart just work in a way that can make sense for others and deliver it with compassion. It’s why I do so well as a psychic. Open and offering. Genuinely interested. I feel like I can let myself care now because I care for myself. I was withholding from the most important people to me. I was withholding from even myself. The amount of wounds and grey and uncertainty that I’ve addressed and healed since Monday is fascinating. Like a big boom was required, a quaking in my soul and heart, shaking loose forgotten bits. Laying them out so that I might notice them at all. Pick them up and dust them off. Put them where they really go. I never came so hard.

Nothing is all my fault. Nothing at all. But it isn’t my job to judge. It isn’t my place to punish. I want to be the warmth. I want to be the sleepy space where things make sense. The place where you can go to the depths and feel confident doing so. The space to get to the bottom, to reach the top.

The life of my dreams is mine, now. I am living the life of my dreams. Where nothing is a lie and we can handle however it goes. Where what we want is known and within reach. Where we are encouraged to dream. There is no reason to settle. There is no reason to accept less than we truly want. Things have changed and continue to. Every day I feel even more new. Knew. Known. I kept a lot of things to myself, things that - if spoken- only could have helped. If I want you to grow, I must grow too. Anything I want you to do, I must do.

Every movement, every little kick, brings me back to the present. The place where I can’t wait to know us. As a family. As two turned to three and then four. The long nights and sleepless days. The mess and the glory. It all brings me back to mySelf. Back to you. The father of my child. What a beautiful being I have in my belly. The perfect combination.

I will stop to smell the flowers. Slow down. Be here. For you and for me and for us. Not just for you, but for me and for us. I deserve the world, but only if I want it. I didn’t want much of anything for a long time. I didn’t take the time to even consider what I wanted. Settling. Letting life happen to me and around me.

I feel excitement. I feel intrigue.
I feel anticipation. I feel pain. I feel love.
But most of all
I finally feel.

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