Coming face to face with myself has revealed so much. The things I can do better. The things I do well. But my focus has been solely on improvement. That and the comfort of others. Appeasement. Solidarity.
I can sense myself falling into an uncomfortable place again. A place where I refuse myself for the comfort of others. To avoid dissonance. In this avoidance I have created a body of neglect. How do I feel? Why? Is it irrational or natural? It’s easy to shift our focus outside of ourselves. To cushion for the sake of others. To comfort at our own expense. I could use.... ? I could? I’ve been used?
Rebound the rebound.
The truth is uncomfortable. I’ve turned the other cheek in a meek attempt to avoid it. It does me no good. It sets me up for disappointment. Has anything been solved? Or has it been situated. Hypothetical situations are unnecessary pain but what about the relevance? The potential? Is it that far off? Where does the relevance end?
Something about victimization. Something about lack.
Something about a burden and how it’s heavy and how it breaks my back.
I don’t get the satisfaction of knowing that I had any part in this. I’m just here. It might as well be by chance.
It could have just as easily not.