cagejam (cagejam) wrote,
cagejam
cagejam

Undermined

Under mine


We are about to leave for our doctor’s appointment. I slept really good and my head was filled with dreams of a strange labor. We finalize our business loan today or tomorrow. If you had told me 2 years ago that I would be in any of the situations I am currently in- I would have laughed. A belly laugh. Now I laugh at my ignorance, but kindly and gently. Reminded of the progress and passage of time. Reminded of the years I made no intentional movement. The things I have left to do feel less pressing. I have a sense of comfort and relaxation. A surrender, but a kind one. A willing one. In the morning it feels like fall is here, and by the afternoon we catch the last moments of summer. I dare you to stare into the sun. The last candle I burned, one to ensure we got our loan, worked marvelously. Insanely well. Beyond our wildest dreams. It is still working well and our banker is a dream. Some stories of the number 13 and divine signs to go along with them.

I think I’ll burn another candle today. For love. Not necessarily anything, just in general. To feel the love cycle infinitely To and From me. A release of control. A release of distraction.

Getting to know yourself is the endless game. End game. I found a modern poet, a woman, that gives me some feelings I adore. I am searching. To find myself in so many places, ones I’d never known. Parts forgotten but not lost. Perhaps misplaced.

Two became one for so long. Shifting back, allowing space. I wanna feel alive, that much I know. Sticking my head out of the window as you drive my car. Depth of thought and feeling. There are so many books I haven’t read. No one and nothing else makes me feel so deeply and for that I must always be grateful. Loss of gratitude leads to loss of self. If you can’t see the beauty in waking up, disappointment is inevitable. When enough is never enough, everything becomes too much. I am remembering now. The days I’d park at the lakefront with nothing but a new book. The nights I’d spent drawing my favorite people. Those moments made me love myself. I am giving myself someone to love. In a month’s time I will have eyes on me perpetually. Soaking in my being. Constant and the teacher. Your view will be beautiful. Inspiring. I can’t learn it all for you, but I can learn it for myself. And so I will. And so it goes.

I am 26. 26 years of love and pain. Of change. Of moments in time. They always pass. So far it has been painful and beautiful. Loving and tender and harsh and cold. Certainly uncertain.

There is no comfort in dishonesty, even when it sounds beautiful. Even when it is warm. Chilling. Big sky. Deep waters. If I want to know you I must first and most importantly want to know the truth. You want independence but I want it too. I don’t want to be you. I can’t force anything anymore. There is no want. I don’t want to. I love to watch it unfold rather than unravel. I don’t want to drive you, crazy or anything else. I want to see the fire in you and allow it to warm me. I’ve been becoming undone for years. So have you. I can’t hold your lessons against you. I can’t place judgement on the things you need to experience. Whatever brings you back to yourself, I love too. Watching you grow is my favorite pastime. If one day you grow away, I will have to love that too.
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