cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

One of my most valuable lessons as of late has been to keep a space between my identity and my emotions. Feeling sad doesn’t mean that I am sad. Feeling mad doesn’t mean I am anger. They come and go and I allow it. Less repression, less enveloping. However I feel is okay and it will go and I will stay. My worth isn’t attached to my emotion. My reality doesn’t depend on a feeling. Rather I allow them to be windows, doorways and paths- to places that are worthy of exploration. Each feeling is a world all its own and when I know I am only a visitor it allows me the want to explore. Always coming home to myself. This also allows me the room to not punish others for my feelings. To not hold now I feel against them. When we believe our emotions are a part of us, we search for someone to blame. However, since embracing the passing nature of them, I’ve been able to better embrace others too. Not in a way that bypasses their actions, but in a way that acknowledges my own feelings come from me more than the catalytic situation.

Time has been moving quickly now, even the hours. The end of summer has a rush to it, as well as the end of pregnancy. A little vortex. My baby is healthy, the proper size, the proper position, and moving it’s little mouth. I have a funny feeling about September 28 but clearly it isn’t up to me. I want to meet you whenever you’re ready.

My apartment and the renovation of such is nearing completion. The kitchen floors will be finished in no time. The furnace should be installed next week along with my new bedroom window. I am helping Loren pack his daddy bag once he’s off work today. My bags have been packed. Overnight accommodations and such are yet to be figured out but I have faith that it will go smoothly.

Whatever happened had to have happened. The purpose it served is revealed more and more each day. His feelings are going away or gone. Crushes can be intense. Being in love is much less exciting but also so much more fulfilling, comforting, constant and true. When we plan for the baby or even just talk and smile I can see the contentment in his face- one that wasn’t there before. It had to come organically and over time. The process of change is never overnight. His worry has been replaced by excitement, his doubt has been replaced by understanding. Having and raising a child isn’t inherently easy, but it is worth it. Seeing him, hearing him, excited for fatherhood turns me on. Now that his intense longing has turned to wonder, his actions have adjusted. He finds joy in providing for me. He finds purpose in doing the things that I can’t do. I think he feels needed for the first time in a long time and in many ways. He was surprised when I read him the statistics for cheating husbands, and how it grows exponentially when the wife is pregnant. I had told him that his feelings were normal but I didn’t show him. Aside from the typical cycle of emotions for fathers, he had been neglecting himself for months, which inevitably leads to the neglect of responsibility and compassion and understanding. He jumped out of the first window that opened for him. Just as I can’t blame myself for how I feel, I can’t blame him either. I understand. The pain and anguish I’ve experienced just makes the joy that much more tangible. I am hearing the things I needed so badly to hear, feeling the things I needed so badly to feel. I am being treated like a woman. From sweet touches in passing to dirty words and heavy breath. From coming home to clean mirrors to not having to nag. From here to there. There is a new depth now. A new eagerness to be better for ourselves, for each other. For the baby. I made him a father and he made me a mother and that is a bond unlike any other. Bite my neck and kiss my belly. The look on his face blows my mind. The way he smiles when the baby kicks his hands. The joy in his voice when he speaks of cleaning up vomit. These are the things I live and love for. I always knew I’d have his children, I just didn’t realize quite how much it would change me. From 2 to 3.

I am relishing my last moments of not being a mother. Selfishly and completely. It won’t be long, everything will be new. I’m used to life as it is now, but I choose to move through this transition completely
Aware. Nothing is forever and it’s for the best. Time is moving quickly but I am in no rush. It is already mine. I haven’t felt so much like myself since before the heroin addiction. If I want to give myself completely to anyone or anything I must first be complete.


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