cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

The outside is grey today- the sky, the air, wet and full of past rain. The leaves are changing color and shape but I still have sunflowers and I’m still in shorts. My coffee is perfect this morning. I’ve been trying new shades of lipstick for myself. I hear whispers of gossip that get passed back and forth but they only involve me in theory. Every morning I wake up feeling better about my life, my personal life, life that is just mine. Outside forces become more and more irrelevant. People who aren’t me are losing their grip, their importance, in my general satisfaction. That includes you, and it’s for the best. For everyone. Happiness and/or contentment are most effective when self reliant- are most easily shared when they don’t depend on anyone else. Something similar could be said for self confidence.

We did our full moon ritual together for the first time in months. I find comfort in not wanting to know what you wrote down. I don’t need to read it to know what it says. I feel good and there is a calmness in the air I breathe. The spiral moves up and down and direction is very relevant. I’m happy to see your renewed interest in meditation and yoga and general self improvement. It’s easier to run from oneself (at least in the beginning.) I am a problem solver and my first instinct is to do The Work for others but I know enough to know that isn’t how it works. My family has been impressed with my psychic abilities as of late and my general knowing that seems as natural as waking up. It grows stronger every day. So do I, in so many ways. I sense some correlation there.

My sister leaves for Denver today to attend the gem show. We have almost completely bought all the supplies to stock the shop- at around $1300, which is way under budget. It feels right and correct and there is divine support showing itself abundantly.

My birds followed me out onto the roof today. They are overjoyed with the puddles and warmth. It brings me happiness to see their innocence. An innocence I crave and feel myself moving toward.

Outside of my marriage, my attraction has shifted. I have little to no urge to be with or satisfy a man. The only attraction I feel would be directed towards the effeminate man. I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend. I’m so picky. Before we lost ourselves this last time on heroin, we were just beginning to have fun and to truly explore. On our visit to Florida we slept with a girl and with a boy and it was very nice. It’s something I enjoy, it’s something that gets me off. I like to see your pleasure, and it’s fun to have a new perspective. To see you seeing me seeing you. That’s sexy. I like to be teased, i like anticipation, I like waiting. At first the drugs make sex fun, but soon after it becomes sloppy and insensitive. Rushed or brief or whatever. Vague. Kind of like how drunk sex is passionate but lacking depth. The depth is half of what gets me off. The subtle movements, the unconscious expressions on the other person’s face, passionate quivering, amazement. I enjoy sharing and caring. My personal preference is that I’d rather be there. A fantasy of mine is being tied to a chair while you sleep with another woman, but you know that. Begging and being told “no.” Sex is one of my natural abilities, I’ve always been really good at it just like drawing or reading comprehension. Perhaps it’s the empathetic nature of me or just one of those things. Half of the fantasy is watching someone do what I do, but not as well, and still being told “no.” I love to beg. The eye contact you will make to make sure I’m watching. The other half is that stupid look you get on your face when you’re really enjoying yourself and how that, alone, turns me on. If we could add another half, it would be seeing you pleasure someone else- attentive and thoughtful- so considerate. Making them cum, hearing them moan, hearing them make you moan. The look of desire on their face as you deprive them to make me crazy. The look on their face when you can’t wait any longer and you give in. I like it. But nothing turns me off more than deceit. Feeling ignorant and foolish. In any form, on any level. Knowing I’ve been lied to hurts but it also repulses me. It’s an unattractive quality. It lacks self confidence and personal sovereignty.

I speak of marriage mostly out of habit. We’ve been saying that for a long time now. It’s kind of silly when I think of how we aren’t married. So long as the finances work out, this week it will be official and we will have that stupid piece of paper declaring that our love is government approved. There is something sexy about that too.

There is no right or wrong outside of what works for people individually. I know that what I like would be frowned upon by some and laughed at by others. I hadn’t thought about my fantasies for a long time and for that I thank you and you. Part of getting to know yourself is knowing your sexual self. Exploring that beautiful terrain. Sharing it with others. Most of my fantasies require confidence on my end, and my own confidence turns me on. I don’t really think you’d ever want to leave but it gives me peace to remember that you could. It gives me strength when I make peace with the idea. I know there is no one else for you, just as there is no one else for me. Not in this way. Not beyond physicality, and even then. I know every inch of your body like it’s my own. I’ve memorized the things you like effortlessly. I know how to surprise you, I can feel exactly what you need. Beyond sex, and into compassion and understanding. It took me some time but I believe you. When you said that it’s wild how I come to your realizations before you do. It’s just part of how well I understand you. We are on a level that we created all on our own. From time and depth and curiosity and the urge to impress each other. Still, all relationships have some facets that mirror the masses. If we can lose ourselves, I can only imagine.

I do know what I want. I do believe you. I honor the part of you that had to seek the truth. So long as you give me honesty I will always welcome, please, embrace, pleasure, study, appreciate, take care of, and gravitate towards you. You know that you don’t have to, so I know that you do.

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