cagejam (cagejam) wrote,
cagejam
cagejam

On monogamy (or the lack of)

I think it is unreasonable to expect your partner (or yourself) to see only you, for the entirety of a relationship. I think there is a sense of setting oneself up for disappointment. With that said, while monogamy isn’t something I am particularly partial to, I think claiming “non-monogamous” is equally as limiting. Love is beyond any need for labels. It shifts and grows and bends and nothing is permanent. The things I’ve been okay with and accepting of change often. Having standards isn’t the same as expectations. A title would only limit me. I’ve wanted more freedom and less freedom depending on when I was asked.

When it comes to exploring others, I am open in some ways and not in others. I think sexual freedom is important but trust comes first. Every relationship one will ever have (romantic, platonic, familial) comes with its own set of rules. It just works better when those rules are outlined clearly, leaving no room for confusion.

For me, right now, I have thought long and hard about what I am comfortable with.
I don’t mind sharing, exploring, discovering another person’s body and soul- together. Isolated affairs are not something I would be willing to compromise on at the present moment, regardless of how I’ve felt in the past. Any outside relationships would need to rely on physical attraction and affection. Feelings don’t bother me so long as they are open and out on the table. I refuse to have anyone make me feel as though I am coming second. If I am in a committed relationship, I need to feel as though that relationship is top priority. I have no feelings regarding kissing or hand holding or whatever of that nature. No rules on saving a particular thing for just us. Things happen, and if the situation were to arise where my partner developed serious feelings for someone else- I would handle that however I do at the time. I can’t say if that would be okay or unacceptable. It would depend on the person and the place and the timing and the severity. I could never hold feelings against my partner, I would never blame them, shame them, disregard them. However, it is ultimately up to me and I also won’t make myself uncomfortable. I won’t cater to anyone at my own expense. Not asking someone else to change doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t change. That’s okay.

The best part is that any outside opinions are entirely irrelevant. It is my relationship for a reason. I know myself better than anyone else. I know us and him better than anyone else. My main priority is myself, discovering what I truly want and feel and long for. I am willing to learn and grow, but at my own pace and how I want to. I won’t make allowances that aren’t returned. If it makes my partner uncomfortable, I expect the respect of not asking it of me, unless I am willing. There are a lot of things that would make Loren uncomfortable but I don’t think he’s thought them out.

However, there is no rush. My trust has been crushed and I am comfortable with very little right now. I’ve always been up to sleep with someone, together. (I am pregnant, soon to have a baby. This is future talk in general. My focus is elsewhere. Our focus is elsewhere, now.) But so far as actual relationships, more than one-time flings, I am not there yet. The purpose of this is pleasure, so if it wouldn’t please me, I don’t wanna. I won’t do anything I don’t want to. It’s that simple. I don’t know how I’ll feel in 6 months, in a year- and part of having openness in your relationship is accepting and respecting the place your partner is at. I don’t want a relationship where I don’t prioritize Loren’s wants and needs and vice versa.

This isn’t a pressing subject anywhere but in my own mind. The general consensus is that we are content where we are. We are in the process of rediscovering each other. Finding our confidence together. It’s just something I’m into. An experience I would like to be mine. Something I would like to share. We have been together a long time. We’ve been with a bunch of people. For a long time the only partner we shared was heroin and we were very committed. It is impossible to explain the inner workings of any long term relationship, especially since things grow and move. No one can promise forever, but it can be likely and understood and make sense.

In my eyes, titles are irrelevant. I am open to sexual exploration but also being faithful. Faithfulness comes first. No surprises, no withholding. Respect (to me) means allowing your partner to make educated decisions. If I had feelings for someone else I would let it be known. It isn’t my place to decide what is and isn’t okay to him. Priorities matter. Family matters. My family comes first no matter what and that is a personal but mutual decision.

With that said, I wouldn’t mind having a girlfriend, but the right one- and that is a whole other story.
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    I don't even want that kind of attention, I just want to want it

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    absence of presence presence of absence

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