Loren’s grandma (who I had only met a handful of times) left me jewelry in her will. Specifically for me, not just a wife of. It really made me wonder and no questions can be answered now. It means even more because my own family, on both sides, robbed my grandparents and took mostly any heirlooms (or money) that would have gone to me. My father’s mom hated me all my life. As a child she would tell me how worthless my mother was. She would buy my older sister gifts on my birthday. The irony is I have the most in common with her. And I took care of her for the final year of her life, every day. I fed her and held her and played with her hair. She said thank you, then. (She has the biggest crush on Loren.) On my morher’s side, my grandma was an angel. The epitome of an American grandmother. My childless aunt is a demon, though. She stole all of her money. She has her boyfriend living in her house, driving her car. Any jewelry or marriage certificates or anything sentimental is hers now. To die with her. I did steal a few somethings for myself that no one but my mom and Loren know about. I gave one to my other aunt and I kept one for me. I bet my aunt wonders where they are. Not out of selfishness but because it hurts me that I won’t ever see small tokens of family history. They’ve been pawned (on my dad’s side) or stuffed in basements (on my mother’s). I want to give my children the gift of tangible history. My youngest sister probably won’t have children, and my older sister has a different mother than I do. It’s silly how family lines just die. Decades, generations of history gone with the birth of girls. The audacity.
We speak often of family tradition. My family would cut down a tree for Christmas every year, but Loren and I might use a bonsai tree, or at least a potted tree instead. Personally, I love tradition. Carving pumpkins, holiday meals for good luck. It only has meaning if you apply it, and this is something I want to instill. Rich in tradition and meaning and purpose. To move with the seasons intentionally. I do love Christmas lights.
I don’t think men and women are the same, regardless of the brain shape, the hormones shape the function. I am inherently feminine. On the far end of that spectrum. But I don’t think that’s science, more character and environment. My younger sister is very masculine. Her and Loren shop from the same places and pick out cologne and pomade together. It’s cute and it’s sweet. I want for her to find someone to love. I thought I waited a long time, 17, before dating anyone but she has beat me by a long shot, 20 and counting. It makes me laugh because on paper- what great kids. To take acid before having a significant other. Comedic. My two sisters and I are planning a night in the woods with some shrooms and love. What a trip.
The differences that are obvious in my family, my siblings, make me even more curious to meet my baby. The environment was similar but fundamentally, from the start, we are very different. My cats have noticeably different personalities. It’s intriguing and mysterious how these things work. I am honored to be a witness to it. To it all.