cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

I’ve been wondering if I’d still crave ice as the weather changes. The answer is yes. Loren says that the trees think it’s already fall and I can feel why. I’m on the roof, watching a woman walk her dog. This perspective has turned me into a type of voyeur. I love to watch the people as they walk by, especially in the early morning or late at night. I can feel my pregnancy coming to an end as the things inside of me and my mind slow down. Things were feeling rather hectic, in the sense that there was this urgency. I would make myself anxious over all the things I needed to do. I feel much more at ease- much more trusting. Whatever remains will get done, just like it always does, before or after the baby comes. Just like there will always be more to do. The nesting drive is settling down. I can feel it in my calm. When I look around, I find it much easier to focus on all the things I have accomplished rather than feeling the weight of what remains. I spent a lot of my life somewhat unaware of these phases. I am much more present now. I am.

I find comfort in the inherent solitude that is existence. Being the only me, just being. Inspired to create a self that I admire, rather than looking at anyone else with notions of what they must be for me. It’s so easy to fall into the rut of victimization, even at the most mild level. I don’t expect anyone to do or want to do whatever. I release deeper and deeper expectations every day. I hold myself to certain standards out of love, but I also emphasize allowing room to grow and breathe and learn. Change. Wherever I am, I want to be completely there. Even when I’d rather not. Even when I long for elsewhere. Fully surrender to the joy and the discomfort equally. One is not inherently better than the next. We don’t know which moments we will crave or the ways in which we will change. With Ease. Release all attachment to outcomes and processes. There is no destination outside of right now. Right now.

The shadows are growing longer and I am growing too. So are you.

It’s hard to recognize myself some days, when I look back.
I feel new.
I feel known.

Loren’s grandmother’s ring that is now mine. I will leave this ring to the baby I’m pregnant with if it’s a girl.

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