cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

It’s a warm morning, my sweater is overkill today. These last little tastes of summer are savored appropriately. The sun rises so late.

I feel good. Goodness, progress, momentum building. There isn’t much left to do and there isn’t much time left either. I’ve been making a lot of candles but I need to make more. The shop is nearing completion. For Halloween, Danielle is offering free one-card tarot readings to attract some traffic. I wish I could be there! But my priority is the baby, hands down, high five. We found the furniture, velvet chairs, yesterday- $4.99 each. My sister’s mind blew wide open. She is just now beginning to grasp the glory of thrifted goods (after years of my preaching.) We plan to have our soft open for the shop on October 1. Just days away. Just days. It’s been nearly 2 years in the making (dreaming, imagining) and here it is. For some reason I still have a hard time giving myself credit. This is a big deal. I’ve worked very hard and spent a lot of money and time and energy. I’m opening a (meta)physical shop at 26 years old. I never could have imagined. Even in the midst of planning it, it didn’t seem real. It still feels dreamy but I have physical proof. Every day people stop me to ask about the shop and when it will open and what we will have. There is nothing like it anywhere near us. It feels like success is inevitable. I plan to be rich enough to have all of my lingerie custom made- without it even touching my budget. I’m keeping the faith. Crazier things have happened.

Our hospital tour was a success. I have some questions that no one could possibly answer until the baby is here. Most of my anxiety comes from that but when I realize it, I release it. It serves nothing and no one. Time passes anyway. It is always shown to us when it should be. I’m so ready to meet this baby. I wonder about their eyes and skin and hair. Toes. Nail beds. Teeth. Their mind. Half me half you. I can only imagine, but not for long. We made this.

I have been improving my self discipline. Truly buckling down and taking the ride. Daily yoga and meditation. Daily cleaning. Near-daily showering or rinsing off. Perpetual lotioning and Oiling. Longer dog walks. Outside kittens. Washing dishes immediately upon dirtying them. Weekly laundry. Vacuuming/sweeping at least 3x a week. Making candles. Studying herbs, studying tarot. Work. These tasks are mundane and it may sound silly that I view doing them as accomplishments or as exercises in self discipline, but that’s how it is for me. Even when I did do them regularly, there was no structure and it overwhelmed me. It is easier to sit and watch TV- which I am exhausted of. And even though I don’t want to watch TV, without the discipline, I’d do it anyway. I’m redefining my relationship with daily chores, general self care, spiritual practice. They are no longer a burden, not just something on my daily todo list, they are a part of my existence. A part of my life, of my everyday. When I feel myself beginning to dread these tasks, I take a step back and re-evaluate. Sweeping the floor isn’t that bad. Dishes are easy. It takes away their power over me, whatever it is. They connect and ground me. They make me aware of the hours in a day and using them wisely. I’ve spent so many days and weeks in a mindless stupor. Working and then coming home to watch television and zone out. That’s no life. I want creation, interest, habits that serve me. Self discipline is taking me there. Incorporating reading into my day is one of my favorite additions. I would read one to 3 times a week (3 at best and rarely.) Not enough to identify with it or to be a person that reads. I’d rather be a person that reads than a person who has seen all the hyped up Netflix specials. I’d rather have a library of broken in books than a worn out remote control. A wealth of knowledge. Books serve you. They are an investment of time and memory. Television is a filler, an excuse, a temporary relief. Even the documentaries are entertainment first and foremost. I want my child to value reading, books, information, knowledge. I know the example I want to set. We went to the book store and I bought ‘The Second Sex’ and ‘Cherry.’ I began reading the prior last night. 30 pages in and soaked in information. I know who I want to be.

The changes I’ve implemented are gradual and steady and aimed for longevity. I bought an espresso maker the other day. More things at home. Making the most of the home I have. I haven’t started to practice my calligraphy but I think I might today. I want to learn so much about so much. I want to feel new and known. I want the Newness to come from progress rather than self destruction.

Growing up feels like something but on purpose.

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