cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

I am adamantly against pacifiers. I do get a kick out of this and having genuine opinions on things of this nature. I also don’t care at all about the choices of others and allow them little space to effect me. I am also very against baby talk. These things are probably instilled in me by my own mother and her parenting choices. The hospital I’ll give birth at is very pro- breast feeding and they have several programs in place to encourage it. This brings me comfort. For a little while I had some insecurity over not having a very specific or in-depth birth plan, but now I don’t care. I am choosing to be open in a lot of ways and this is just one of them. Preparedness and planning are not necessarily one in the same.

The sun is hot today and I like it. I got my kitchen organized yesterday and every time I enter the room I feel goodness wash over me. Everything will get done. Because I’m doing it. I do experience brief spells of fear and frustration but I’ve gotten so much better at acknowledging the feelings and then letting them go- at not resenting the fact of feeling. Feelings aren’t facts, but feeling is a fact. We do feel. Some things are silly. I look at Instagram moms and wonder. The particularity of them, their perfectly curated photos of a perfectly curated home. It mostly just seems exhausting. They all look the same. I love my personal style and I never see it reflected anywhere. It is unique to me and that is part of what makes it so lovable in my mind. I feel more like myself every day. Every moment. I see the value in myself clearly now. I am a great wife and mother and lover and a mostly great friend. I am a hard worker and my dedication is undeniable. I am a dreamer, allowing fantasy and the execution of. Bringing it to life, all of it, so very alive. I no longer resent the time it takes me, regardless of what for. I watch with love in my eyes as my dreams break the barrier of my mind, as they reveal themselves in a tangible way. There is no ‘wrong’ way so long as it feels right. Remove shame, release expectation. I choose to be here and it gets easier every day. The closer I become with myself, the more in tune I feel with my needs, the better. Everything, every thorn, all of it in between. I love improvement and movement. The satisfaction of and pride in. Through release, I’ve gained a type of control- a gentle one, a flexible one, unorthodox and open handed. I am in love.

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