cagejam (cagejam) wrote,
cagejam
cagejam

Everything isn’t a competition. The tendency toward comparison does nothing but deter us from sharing at all. We all have our own truth and it’s beautiful.

We discovered some leaking pipes in our storage room as well as a malfunctioning power steering pump in my car. I am doing my best to remain hopeful and quell any anxiety I feel in regards to these unfortunate discoveries. These issues can be fixed easily enough, but they do prolong other projects that need finishing.
I love the family I’m building. We have room to improve in many ways but that’s beautiful and wonderful. I am grateful to Have the motivation to be better, and the space to do it in. I love the support I receive and give. I love watching the people I love grow. I love watching myself grow. Being witness to me, myself, as I transition from maiden to mother has been beautiful. Subtle changes only realized after the fact. Big changes done with intention. This experience is unique to me and has instilled a level of self trust I never imagined before. I am able to trust because I have earned it. I have proven myself to myself time and time again. Outside opinions feel irrelevant. I am content, I am growing. I don’t need to be a better lover, wife, mother, friend, student, teacher, witch, business owner, person than anyone else. I just want to be me. My confidence comes from authenticity rather than comparison. This is a first for me.
There is no way I could have prepared for the feelings i am feeling- anticipation, longing, nervousness, gentleness. A million in between.
I have accepted the fact that I can not heal anyone beyond their want and desire to heal themselves. This freedom has allowed me complete focus on myself. On my family. How can I do better? How could I have handled that better? How can I love better? I feel better when I do better. Total release of pride and shame. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or does or sees. I just don’t care. Complete irrelevancy. There is no one I want to impress outside of myself.
I don’t have to be perfect.
I am perfect as I am, in every stage, shape, mode and method.
Something is shifting and I am leaning into it completely.

I am so grateful to be out of Florida. Away from prying eyes and silly opinions. Far from friends but also from any drama, trauma, deception and perception. My life belongs entirely to me rather than ancient perceptions others may hold. The streets I walk hold memories That belong completely to me and us. My family is near. I am more myself than I ever have been before. I trust myself, love myself, interest myself more. It gets cold here, but nothing like it did in Florida. It was cold year round. The life I’ve made belongs to me now. I have a real refrigerator for the first time since I was 20. I have a space that belongs to me. I am growing a business that I believe in. There is nothing more that I could ask for and yet I receive. Everything shows me I am on the right path- from the songs of the birds to the time on the clock. I am where, who, what and how I should be. Consistent in my contentment.
The shift is undeniable now. Moving, the gears rotating, as everything falls into place. Home is where I am, I am here with you. Us. Soon to be three. Life makes me wet. Marriage turns me on. The excitement is tangible.
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