cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

My insides feel even funnier today. I think it’ll be tomorrow? Maybe the 4th. Maybe today. For all the things on my mind, I have this strange and calm sense of focus. More like a presence. Just present. My car is in the shop, expedited labor in the name of my looming labor- it should be done today. Unexpected expenses and so on but I maintain a sense of trust. Vigilant trust. Loud and clear and drowning every doubt out. I could worry about my finances and how groceries will appear next week- about bills and necessities while I’m not working- but I won’t. I don’t want to. It always works out fine. Always. Fine. That presence is penetrating.
The shop has been launched and things are selling quickly. This brings me comfort as well as some concern. I’m still in shock about the whole thing. One baby down, one to go.
We’ve had warm days this week and I am relishing them entirely. Soon my sweaters will fit again and I will need them. I hope my jeans still fit or I may have to figure that out. I think it’s funny that I can still touch my toes. Loren rubbed the fluids out of my feet last night and that was a sight to behold. I am blessed to have someone to take care of me. I am blessed to have someone I want around. I am blessed to have made a human with you.
My dog is so protective of me. He won’t go on walks without me or leave my side in general. As he gets more and more diligent with his clinginess I know that he must sense something beyond the physical. Sooner than later I will hold my baby. My. Baby. I will see this face and the hands and the feet and I will meet the person I’ve spent so much energy bringing forth. Of my body. When I was young, Shel Silverstein was my favorite author. Each poem memorized, favorites engrained in me forever. Things like this I am eager to share. What a lucky child. What a lucky mother.
There are things left that still need done, but not many. My home is almost completely a home. I’m impressed with the amount of work I’ve done in every aspect of my life. Things were so dark just a month ago. Where does the time run off to and how does it take our troubles with it? It’s easier and easier to remember how fortunate I am. It’s eaSier and easier to bring myself out of the fog. I am in love with my life. The morning espresso, the rug in my living room. My tendency to vacuum often and wipe every surface constantly. My fridge is empty but huge! I am blessed. Freshly picked apples for breakfast today. My coffee is made perfectly now because I make it. My urge to be stoned is nearly nonexistent. I am different. I don’t long to be intoxicated constantly. The clouds have been pink every day this week. Greeting me each morning. The beauty. The beauty is undeniable. I see it as the thread that connects me with reality. I look first to the beauty in each and every moment. The way the sunlight hits your shoulders as you're wiring a tree. The subtle purrs coming from our bed as the kittens nap all day. The stripes of our floor. The laughter and the tears. Man. It’s all there, all ways, in every way. I now have eyes to see. I am eager
For it all.

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