cagejam (cagejam) wrote,
cagejam
cagejam









It’s been a few days since I’ve written here. Lots of little changes to accompany the huge ones. Finding a routine that works for us. It’s amazing.

I am head over heels in love. Entirely and in every imaginable way, and quite a few beyond understanding. I am someone new now. Who I was just 2 weeks ago is memory. Vague but familiar. I prefer now to then. A million times over.

Hedy is a sweet and easy baby so far. Every day she grows and changes and each moment is to be savored. Some times I regret not looking at her longer, even when it really isn’t even possible. Things have been lax, gentle, easy and possible. Each day I incorporate more into our routine. I’ve mopped the floors, done the laundry, made the bed, and put everything away as I go. I have every excuse to let things go but I know that it wouldn’t serve me- it would only overwhelm me. Doing what is best even when I don’t have to is a new trait I’ve been cultivating. We have it so good.

I’m still not sure which sleeping arrangement is for us. Trial and error now. Hedy sleeps through dog barks. Our dog, Kiwi, is so insanely protective. He sleeps next to her constantly and gives her gentle kisses when she cries. By definition, a very good boy. My cats are sweet as could be- sleeping near her but with a respectful distance. Showing me extra affection. Completely intrigued by Hedy’s existence. We all are.

This entire experience has been so easy and simple it almost seems unfair. My pregnancy had some ups and downs but for the most part, it was up, easy, calm. Any issues came from life rather than my body. Labor was easy, I hardly felt the contractions, got an epidural, had Hedy in 20 minutes (the epidural had worn off but even that wasn’t so bad in retrospect.) Hedy came out ready to eat. I make mass amounts of milk. She experienced essentially no withdrawal symptoms. Not so much as a single shake. Hedy doesn’t cry much. She already picks up her head, manipulates the boob. Everything that could go well most certainly has. I am lucky. I am grateful. I can’t wait to experience it all while simultaneously wanting to freeze time right where we are.

My body is so amazing. The things it’s capable of. Creating and sustaining life. Movement. Dancing. Writing. Painting. Stretching. Growing. Housing my soul. I was concerned about how my body would recover from this pregnancy. Whether my belly would remain bigger, but empty. Whether I’d have stretch marks. How long id be in pain. But just as everything else in this experience, things are going well. My old jeans fit me, high waisted and all. I do have a few stretch marks on my boobs, but that’s fine. My stitches have all but fallen out. The bleeding has stopped. Hedy gives me time each morning to wash and brush and apply make up. Showering hasn’t been a problem. I am relieved.

Perhaps the most amazing part of all of this is watching Loren. He has exceeded any and all expectations I could have had. He blows me away. He is a great father. Just the look in his eye as he stares at our daughter is enough to kill me. He doesn’t think twice about diaper changes. He willingly wakes up with the baby at night to change diapers or give me moral support for feedings. He dresses her and bathes her with me. He is excited to be here, to be involved. I know that Hedy is his daughter and he is only doing his duty, but he’s doing it so well and with no complaints - only love. For all the fathers I’ve seen fall short, play stupid, pick and choose what they help with, neglect their duties and on and on- I can’t help but appreciate what I have. It brings tears to my eyes. My worries have melted away.


I am doing it, man. It’s being, it’s done. It’s been done.

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  • (no subject)

    I wish you could see me now I am measuring the night with the palms of my hands I wish you could see just how I’ve become so soft I am reverting…

  • (no subject)

    The most human desire is the desire to be loved Until you learn how to receive love you will feel lost Because you are Love is your home Come Make…

  • (no subject)

    I melt my own heart when I tell Hedy “You did that all by your little self” “Little self” God it’s so fucking cute

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