Some somethings. Life has been wild even though nothing has changed in the physical. My pregnancy was hard on me, but I’m now realizing just how hard. I lost myself. I had lost my excitement. I wasn’t excited for the shop or Hedy or life in general. I felt this melt away weeks ago, but now there is damage and I am in repair. I forgot a lot, busy with surviving. I forgot how to trust, to know that I am where I need to be for the highest and the best. I forgot that my happiness is my responsibility. I forgot how to take the time for gratitude and the importance of showing it. I forgot a lot. But I am remembering now. I feel better than I have in a long time. It’s funny how. It’s funny now. Funny in that strange way.
Reconnection. Time for art and study. Time for beauty and maintenance. Time for family. Time for business. Time is on my side these days and I’ve been making the most. I finished my journal that I started in 2016. The beginning pages are full of wishes for sobriety and life. I’d never finished a journal before. I’d never expected myself to. It is such a feeling. Such accomplishment. A book of me. I began my new journal a few days ago. This one is all white. Pure. The symbolism is intentional.
The most difficult part of growth (for me) is remembering to apply the lessons learned. It’s in the remembering. The application. All the knowledge in the world is useless if we can’t put it to use. I’m picking up where I’d (unintentionally) left off. Almost a year later. It’s amazing how quickly it can all slip away.
I’ve been more judge mental than I should be- this was one of the aspects of self that called me to realize the path I was on. The level of judgement I brought to each day. Pushing my opinions and beliefs hard into nothing. Irrelevant commentary. But I am remembering and I am doing better and I am feeling better. The pressure of judgement weighs on those who judge like a dirty obligation. A habit. It leaves no room for the purity of love. The acceptance of love.
The road back to myself hasn’t been treacherous or hard on me. It feels more and more like home with every realization made and every goal accomplished. I feel more like myself with each moment. Honor, truth, authenticity. Love, gratitude, acceptance. Diligence, discipline, dedication. Trust, guidance, execution. I appreciate the work I’m doing more than ever becauSe I know how fragile it is now- how easily it can all fall away.
I make tea every morning and night. I eat less and better. I drink a lot of water. I paint my nails every 3 days. I take my prenatal religiously. I do chemical peels and use vitamin c on my face. I do my yoga every day and meditate even more often. I cleanse my field. I cleanse my space. I eat fruit for breakfast. I take the time to dress myself with care, I take pride in my appearance. My home feels and looks like mine. I’ve been living by example. Hedy and I talk and play for hours. I feel more attractive than ever, inside and out and honestly. I am proud of myself. I am proud to be me. I am more intelligent than I’ve earned, and becoming more and more so. I am more beautiful each day. I am fit and healthful. I put the work in. I get the results.
I am a great mother. A fucking amazing mother. I am there for Hedy. Really there, really present. I listen to her and give her what she needs. We talk about everything. I love to watch her understanding grow. I listen to her. Really listen. I listen like she has something to teach me. Every morning we dance together. We move our bodies. I explain everything to her. I give my all to her and I am able to because I take the time to replenish myself every day. I am so lucky that Loren is such a great father.
All in all, literally. I have it all. I can feel that more is on its way. I feel more blessed than ever before. I let it envelop me, take me in, make me a saint. By god it is all a miracle. Every last drop. Every single bit. Heaven calls to me, comes to me, let’s me have it. It is all in how it’s perceived.