I got lost looking at photos from my middle school years. I was so full of doubt and disgust in and for myself. I resented my being so intensely. The feelings are close enough to taste and yet upon revisiting this time I felt confusion. I see myself differently now so I see myself differently when i look back. I don’t see a monster as I once did but a beautiful and intelligent young girl. I have much accepting to learn but this is a crucial lesson. I see my past self through eyes filled with love. Understanding. Patience. I am dumbfounded by the realization. Perspective drives everything from understanding to execution. I was never as horrid as I felt but at a certain point that becomes irrelevant. Because it was what I felt, it was true to me. This epiphanic moment has stuck with me.
Christmas was beautiful. Hedy has enough toys to last her a while and she will be using them in no time. I love being a mother even when I’m tired and overwhelmed. When I tell Hedy how interesting she is I truly mean it. I could study her forever as she studies me. I feel such pride in the life I’ve created. I could just as (if not more) easily be dead. And yet here I am, we are, this is it. I feel myself growing up.
I would love to take some shrooms or acid. Anything to shake me up. But it isn’t out of discomfort with reality but more so a love of the mystery. I want the glory of existence to envelope me.
Dear god, what have I done? And how do I do it again? I feel no fear- only a distinct lust for being.