cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

urgent emergent

The delivery trucks are loud as the drive by. We live in the thick of our small town. If anything exciting were to happen, it would happen here. It has been warm since Christmas. My birds sing songs of gratitude and eat their breakfast. I’m outside this morning. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to do this. I dream of warmer weather and Hedy in her summer clothes.

I got lost looking at photos from my middle school years. I was so full of doubt and disgust in and for myself. I resented my being so intensely. The feelings are close enough to taste and yet upon revisiting this time I felt confusion. I see myself differently now so I see myself differently when i look back. I don’t see a monster as I once did but a beautiful and intelligent young girl. I have much accepting to learn but this is a crucial lesson. I see my past self through eyes filled with love. Understanding. Patience. I am dumbfounded by the realization. Perspective drives everything from understanding to execution. I was never as horrid as I felt but at a certain point that becomes irrelevant. Because it was what I felt, it was true to me. This epiphanic moment has stuck with me.

Christmas was beautiful. Hedy has enough toys to last her a while and she will be using them in no time. I love being a mother even when I’m tired and overwhelmed. When I tell Hedy how interesting she is I truly mean it. I could study her forever as she studies me. I feel such pride in the life I’ve created. I could just as (if not more) easily be dead. And yet here I am, we are, this is it. I feel myself growing up.

I would love to take some shrooms or acid. Anything to shake me up. But it isn’t out of discomfort with reality but more so a love of the mystery. I want the glory of existence to envelope me.

Dear god, what have I done? And how do I do it again? I feel no fear- only a distinct lust for being.


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