cagejam (cagejam) wrote,

I really wish livejournal wasn’t on the fritz. I usually don’t have time to wait for it to load properly. But here we are. And I miss it. I love this space. Secluded and warm and welcoming.

Things are things. The rate at which I’m evolving is only quickening. And rather than feel dizzy I feel enlivened. Movement. Pause. Praise. Momentum. I am a good mother. I am good wife. I am a good daughter and sister and business owner and neighbor and stranger. I know this because I put in much effort, I observe myself and reflect. I strive to do better and my best is ever growing. The things I would tell my younger self. I’m sure she has things to tell me too. I’m sure because I can still hear her in the back of my mind. Cheering, amazed. I have not done her wrong. I try very hard to do wrong to no one. It does not diminish me. My definition of doing wrong has changed. “No” isn’t a cruel thing to say. I am growing in love.

The magic is abundant and I receive messages constantly now. I am one with myself for once. Complete. Focused. Pause. Full. I look first to the love in the eyes of others. I look first to their core, their true nature. It is not my place to judge. People come to me for advice and they pay me for it. People look to me for guidance. I do not take this role lightly (or too seriously.) I just take it and do my best. I feel as though I am doing what I am here to do.

Being a mother is beyond words. Matrescence. Becoming a mother is an every day thing. Each day my confidence grows as I get to know and understand Hedy. My daughter. My creation. She has turned me into a god and a servant. The duality of each moment fills the pages of my journal. We listen to jazz every night and we dance every morning. I focus on her. She is so intelligent that sometimes I forgot how small she is. How new. But I am reminded by her faith In me. A faith i allow her to have through my diligence. We are angels, angelic, and things were never meant to be that difficult for us. Not of luck but of other duty. Of responsibility that goes beyond earthly understanding. Thank you. I say. Hedy has been giving kisses since she was a month old. I think it’s fitting. I love to watch her recoil and then expand. Lost in thought. Find mama. We have it all. You will be the best big sister.

Loren amazes me. He is such a great father, naturally, thoughtlessly. When my father reminds him of this my heart swells. It is obvious to everyone. Because of him I get to spend most every day with my daughter. Teaching her. Memorizing the moments before they slip away. This is a privilege and I remind myself of this any time I consider complaining. There is nothing I want to change (only grow) and complaint (for me) is but a remnant of habitual living. Something that once filled the space between. Less and less space for-

My home is love. My pets study Hedy. Hedy studies us all. She loves to pet them and has been doing it for a long time now. She will understand compassion for the living as something inherent. I am so in love.

My discipline makes sense now. When I wake up early to ensure I can wash my face and brush my teeth and put myself together how I want to be. Hedy washes dishes and vacuums and cleans with me every day. She loves to watch my yoga and we sit together in silence for meditation. Her field is beautiful.

The shop is amazing. Things are good. People come from all over, drawn by the light. Mostly good, mostly seeking something higher, mostly grateful. But not always. The day before yesterday I truly feared for my safety while I was working. A man came in speaking in tongues and spitting venom. Jumping and slapping the ground. He said “can I just BE here” as he pointed to the floor under his feet. “They won’t let me just BE anywhere! But it doesn’t belong to them.” I felt compassion. “I am god! I have tentacles everywhere!” He Apple in riddles and nonsense. I tried to relate. I was very clever and he didn’t understand. He wasn’t listening. He wanted to be heard at my expense. I was afraid to ask him to leave. He spent an hour yelling and jumping and spinning and rolling his tongue and rolling his eyes. God had tried to warn me twice earlier in the day but I didn’t make the connection. My little sister’s intuition (which she doesn’t acknowledge) brought her down to visit me and I felt much safer. Finally I got him to leave and I locked the door. He came back a moment later begging to come back in but there was no way. It was closing time and my baby was hungry and I am a mother first. Most people aren’t like him. Most people are grateful for what we do or at least interested. I think the shop can only bring us comfort and success.

I am getting to know myself. The speed at which I’m growing makes this a perpetual position. I look toward gratitude, generosity, trust, myself, love, family and creativity. I know who I want to be for once. For now. For good.

I am, and ThAts for sure.
I don’t need to know it all to know better.

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